Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year everyone! This has been one hell of a year. Exciting, tragic, fun, and sad.

In January, I started my first college classes. I took Intermediate Algebra and General Chemistry I, and did better than I thought I'd do. I got an A in math and a B in chemistry. It's good to know that I can still be a good student after all these years. And I never would've been able to do it if I didn't have such great friends! My friend Samantha babysat the kids for me for the last 2 months of the semester because they changed Nick's schedule and we didn't have anyone else to watch them during the time that we'd both be gone. Thank you so much Samantha!

My brother Tim passed away in April. He wasn't my biological brother, but he was a part of our family for a decade. I remember last New Year's Eve, he was all excited about the Harley Davidson pilsner glass that I had gotten him for Christmas. When you poured a soda into it, the fizz covered up the picture on the glass, and as the fizz went away, it looked like the picture on the glass sort of magically appeared out of nowhere. He only got it to happen once, and he kept trying to get me to see it, but he couldn't make it happen again. This New Year's Eve, I have his glass. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it out of the package and drink from it yet, though.

In June, I turned 28 and officially became older than my older brother, Joe. That was a weird feeling, since Joe was 10 1/2 years older than me. Catching up to him in age was never supposed to be an option. As I say goodbye to 2011, it makes my heart ache that I can't celebrate the new year with either of my brothers. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what Joe would be like if he were still here, or what I'd be making fun of Tim for if he were still here. Love you both so much, and hopefully our souls will cross paths again someday. xoxo

This year wasn't only filled with sorrow though. I got a new tattoo of the notes to my first favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Then when I got to meet Joey McIntyre in June at the NKOTBSB concert that was my birthday present, he looked at it, followed the music and hummed it to me. My inner 6 year old died and went to heaven.

Nick and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. :) Love you Nick!

We made some new friends, Autumn and Tom! They moved in next door when Rick and Becky moved out. We've all shared a lot of laughs together..... hug coupons, stupid neighbors, rearranging houses, and ASS! :) LOL

I also got to take my mom to get her first tattoo for her birthday! I'm so glad I got to be there with her for that. Love you Mom!

I finished the summer by taking 2 more college classes, and getting an A in both English Composition I and World Religions.

And old friend and I have made amends, and it feels good to leave behind what was, and to let the wounds start to heal. With any luck, our acquaintanceship will turn back into the friendship that it used to be. As angry as I've been the last couple years, I still have missed the good times we had in Washington. If I didn't, then it wouldn't have bothered me so much when we stopped speaking. Here's to a better future, and a stronger friendship!

David had to start school with a bald spot because he literally pulled the hair out of his head. Weirdo. It's almost completely grown back in now, thank God. lol Abby started school with a couple less baby teeth, and David still has not even had 1 loose tooth.

I started my third semester of college the same day my kids went back to school. I took English Composition II, and College Algebra. I finished the semester with an A in English and a C in algebra. I could've done better in algebra, but I missed a lot of school due to some strange health issues I had going on. I missed about a week because I had the flu, and I missed another week or 2 just because of all the doctor's appointments that I had.

I found out that I have diverticulosis, which half of all people over the age of 60 have. Nice, right? I'm not even 30 yet! What the hell? So I had my first colonoscopy so they could check to see if I had anything else going on in there. Then my neck started to bother me. I went to the doctor, and he told me it was just an inflamed muscle. The neck pain never went away, but I had started school and it was enough of a distraction that I forgot about it until just a couple weeks ago. I went back to the doctor around the end of November, and they took some x-rays. Because they were x-raying the top of my spine, they got my skull in the film too and accidentally discovered that my sella turcica (the bone in your skull that holds your pituitary gland) is enlarged. So then I had an MRI and they found out that I have empty sella syndrome. Some cerebro-spinal fluid leaked in to that part of my brain, compressing my pituitary gland, and that is what caused that bone to be enlarged. Yikes! My neck is starting to feel much better though after some physical therapy and some good head & neck massages.

For Christmas this year, I got to see my sister and her family because they all drove up to spend the holiday with us. My nephews have all grown soooooo much and 2 of them are pretty dang close to being taller than me! Love you all so much!

Which brings me to today. Tomorrow is a new year. Nick doesn't have orders yet, so we have no idea if we'll be leaving in June, or if we'll have to extend because the Navy doesn't have the money to send him to another C school. If we have to extend, then I will truly be blessed to have more time to spend with my friends and family. If we move in June, then such is life as a Navy wife. We'll be on to our next adventure in another state. I'll miss everyone here in Illinois, but look forward to more college, and more new friends.

To all my friends and family... May the path you take be the one you're truly meant to be on. I hope it brings you happiness and good health. Don't hold grudges because life is too short. I don't care what "they" say, it's ok to have regrets, and to want to do better next time. It's called inspiration and motivation. Embrace life, try new things, be angry less often, laugh more often, and never ever forget to count your blessings. Look around you at all the wonderful things you have in your life so that when you are feeling down, you can remember those things, and hopefully they will bring you back to a better place.

Happy New Year!

Know what sucks?

When you die. Or, really, when other people die. I'm not quite sure why I wasn't meant to have a brother for more than a few years at a time, but it really sucks. I was 17 years old when my brother died. He was 10 1/2 years older than me, and I was on the verge of adulthood. I was finally at the age where he wanted to hang out with me. I was finally getting to know him better. And then he died. Then a year later, Tim came into our lives. He wasn't Joe, but he was a good older brother when I needed one. And then I joined the Navy and moved away. I finally move back home, and after so many years, I finally had the chance to hang out with Tim and get to know him better, too. And then he died.

I really, really miss my brothers. There's so much that they haven't gotten to see, and so much more to come that they'll miss out on. And that really sucks.

Joe and Tim,
I think about you guys every day. I love you and miss you always. My heart aches today, knowing that I will never see you again. Hopefully, one day, our souls will cross paths again. Peace, love, and happiness to you both.

Love,
Your little sister

28

Today is bittersweet for me. It's my birthday, and I'm so lucky that I have so many people in my life that care about me. There's still something missing though. My big brothers aren't around to share it with me. I'm officially an age that Joe never got to see, and Tim being gone is still so surreal to me. I miss both of them so much. With as happy as I am with all the birthday wishes from everyone, I can't help but shed a tear for both of them.

Joe... Tim... I love you guys.
xo xo

Time

Time is a funny thing when you're a little kid. You really have no concept of what it is. I have to keep reminding my son that he will never be as old as my daughter, who is 18 months older than he is. Kids tend to think that they older they get, the closer they get to being the same age as their older siblings, even though it doesn't work that way. Your older siblings will always be older than you.

Until today.

My brother Joe was born November 2, 1972 and passed away October 23, 2000. 10 days before his 28th birthday. I was born June 9, 1983, and today is 9 days before my 28th birthday.

I am older than my older brother.

As a kid, I always kind of dreamed of being the same age as my older siblings because they were cool and I wanted to be like them. It was never supposed to actually happen though.

I miss him terribly and I so wish he could be here to see everything that's happened in the last 10 1/2 years. I wish he could see who I've become, what kind of person I am. I wish we could hang out together and just talk. I wish I could hear him make fun of me one more time. I wish I could just give him a hug.

Dear Tim,

It is still so hard for me to believe that you are gone. I know that we aren't related by blood, but that means nothing. You were my brother. You came and filled a void in all our lives that we so desperately needed to be filled when Joe passed away. You helped us all through that pain and I think that was your purpose. Robin needed a partner. The kids needed a dad. Amy and I needed a big brother. Mom and Dad needed a son. You became all those things to all of us, and we all miss you terribly. You being a part of our family for the last 10 years has been a gift that we will treasure always.

I'm really going to miss playing board games and pool with you on New Year's Eve. Teasing you about sending me text messages that weren't really meant for me (babe). Laughing about that stupid toilet brush. I'm going to miss seeing you at all our family get-togethers. It will never be the same.

I love you, Tim. Thank you for the last 10 years.

New beginnings

The first week of the new year is already over. I can tell this year is going to go by so fast.

I'm starting college for the first time on the 18th, majoring in pre-pharmacy. I'm a little nervous because it's been so long since I've been in school, but mostly I'm excited. When I graduated high school, I joined the Navy because I had no idea what I wanted to be "when I grew up". So I thought being in the Navy would give me time to think about it. I had planned on going to college at some point while I was still in the service, but I never made it that far. Before I could ever be stationed on a ship, I found out I was pregnant, and that's when my husband and I got married. We knew if we didn't get married then, that we might never see each other again because the Navy doesn't station you together if you're not married. (We're still married btw, so it wasn't just some "rush into it" decision that we made. Almost 8 years now!) After Abby was born, I still wanted to be in the Navy. I thought the Navy would work with Nick and I and alternate our sea duty rotations so that I'd be on shore while Nick was assigned to a ship, and vice versa. They didn't. Nick was on a ship, and my detailer wanted me to be on a ship too. That's when I knew my Navy career was going to be cut short. I refused to be on a ship the same time as my husband. It would've been hard enough on our kids to always have one of us out to sea, but to have BOTH parents out to sea at the same time and have someone else raising them?? No. Absolutely not.

For a long time, I was very resentful. I LOVE traveling. I mean, I didn't join the Navy just to get pregnant and get kicked out. I really wanted to go places and see things that most people don't get to. Nick gets to do all that, and I'm still jealous. Jealous, not resentful anymore. Over the years since I was discharged, I've accepted the fact that I most likely will never get to see the world. I still really wanted to go to college though. One of the things my dad told me when I was growing up was that I should always be self-sufficient. I shouldn't get myself in a position where I'm totally dependent on another person because, let's face it, most people are not trustworthy. There's that potential for me to get screwed over so bad I may never recover from it. Which is partially why I joined the Navy. I figured if nothing else, I'll at least still have a job right? lol Yeah......

So, since 2004, I have been a stay at home mom. I haven't had a job since then, and I'm completely dependent on Nick. Here's hoping we don't get divorced anytime in the near future. lol So me going to college right now is HUGE for me. I feel like I'm finally on my way back to being able to provide for myself. In a few years, Nick will be retired from the Navy, and he'll be the one dependent on my paycheck. I gotta say, that feels pretty good, knowing that I'll actually be able to contribute something instead of just feeling like a leech.

In addition to all of that, I've made amends with some people after being so angry for so long. I'm still a little angry, but most of that weight feels like it's been lifted off my shoulders. I know this paragraph is probably a little enigmatic to most of you, and really... you don't need to know all the gory details of what exactly I'm talking about.

All you need to know is that I'm finally on my way to truly being happy again for the first time in a long time. So here's to new beginnings, second chances, and happiness.