12 years

Dear Joe,

Twelve years. Wow. There are some days where it doesn't seem like it's been that long, and other days it seems like it's been longer. Today is kind of both at the same time. Nothing's been the same since you left. We've all laughed and had good times, but it always seems like it could be just a little bit better, or a little bit happier. I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. This year is pretty bad because I'm alone. Nick's out to sea, and I don't have friends that live right next door that'll come over and drag me out of the house to distract me. I'm just home alone, with my thoughts. Just know that I will always, always love you and miss you and wish you were still here.

Love,
me

The Oath

"I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice."  --Oath of Enlistment for the Armed Forces of the United States of America

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."  --1st amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America

The 1st Amendment not only prevents the establishment of a national religion, but it also prohibits government aid to any religion, even on a non-preferential basis, as well as protecting the right of the individual to choose to worship, or not, as he or she sees fit.

It is not the government's job to care what religion you are. It's the government's job to NOT care what religion you are. If the government started allowing all citizens who happen to be one particular religion to opt out of paying some fee based on the religion they claim to be, then they would have to do that for every religion in existence, and the result would be that no one in the country would pay any kind of taxes or fees or anything else and our country would go down the tubes.

Forcing religion on the whole country is against the Constitution. Plain and simple. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If something is against your religion, DON'T DO IT. Just because something is against YOUR religion does not mean it is against EVERYONE'S religion. If my life is in danger because of a pregnancy, but I'm not allowed to get an abortion to save my own life because of something the bible says, THAT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL. PERIOD.

Our country does not have a national religion. That was the whole point when our country was founded. Yes, some of our founding fathers were Christian, but not all of them were. The great thing about our founding fathers is that even though they weren't all the same religion, they all had the same dream for our country: freedom from religious persecution. They all wanted to be able to worship whatever deity they wanted to worship in peace, without anyone else telling them how to do it. Forcing Christianity on the whole country goes against EVERYTHING our founding fathers wanted for our country. They came here to escape things like that.

When I joined the Navy in 2001, I vowed to support and defend the Constitution. So did Nick. You can say all the stupid shit you want, and we will support to the death your right to say it, but that does not mean you're right. The Constitution is what is right. Trying to force the bible and Christianity on everyone is WRONG.

Day 1

Today was our first full day without Nick here at home with us. The ship he's assigned to has been on deployment since March, and he had to go meet the ship in port somewhere. (I'd say where, but I'm not allowed to.)

I know I've been through all this before, but this time is different. The last time Nick was on a ship, it had just gotten back from deployment, so he was home for a few months before he had to go out to sea. Or he'd go out for a week or two and then be home again for a while. There was a transition period.

We got to Virginia July 23rd. Two weeks and a day later, I'm forced to say goodbye to him for 3 months. We haven't even been in our house for a week, and we don't even have our furniture yet. It's being delivered on Friday. When Nick comes home, he's not even going to recognize his own house. All of that makes this time so much harder. I got dropped off in a strange house in a neighborhood where I don't know my way around, and now I'm completely on my own. I feel so lost. It all happened so fast. I know I should be able to handle this because I was in the Navy myself, and I've been a Navy wife for 9 years, but this shit never gets any easier. You get used to how much it sucks, but it doesn't get easier.

I was ok most of the day because I had some running around to do. I had to take the kids to their school so they could read for one of the teachers. That way, the school knows which class to put them in, and what kind of reading they should be assigned. They both did really well! David (going into 2nd grade) is reading at a 4th grade level, and Abby (going into 3rd grade) is reading at a 4th/5th grade level! After that, I had to go to the school admin building a few miles away and verify our address, and then I had to go pick up our mailbox key from the post office. We headed home after that, and waited for the cable guy to show up. He never did, and is going to have to come another day because they got too busy and didn't have time to get to me. Oh well.

But after all that, I was sitting here and realized that I hadn't really talked to anyone all day. I mean, I talked to the teachers about how well the kids read to her, and I talked to the kids, but you can only talk to people under the age of 10 for so long before you start craving some adult conversation. That's when I really started feeling down today. I was fighting back some tears when I got a phone call from a good friend. So that helped make me feel a little less lonely.

The hardest part of the day is at night. It's past the time that any normal human being would call to talk, the kids are asleep, and I'm laying there alone, tossing and turning because I've gotten used to sleeping next to someone and now he's not there. And then I just feel so empty and alone.

And then I sit here and think about it, and realize that all the other spouses of everyone else on the ship must think I'm ridiculous. Their sailors have been on deployment since March. They've already had a halfway party and are starting to get excited that the deployment is almost over, and here I am crying because I'm not going to see my husband for 3 months. I know, I know... suck it up buttercup. And I will. In a few days. It'll be easier once we have furniture and all of our stuff and I have something to do around the house other than play facebook games.

So that's how Day 1 has been. Not great, but it could've been worse.

THIS! EVERYONE DO THIS!

There's a blog I love, and Jenny, the woman who writes it, posted a link to a particular post on twitter today:

http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/

"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies.  I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”.  Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better.  Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it."

This next part is going to seem like a non-sequitur but it's not.

I love music. I always have. I believe that for every mood you're in, and for every situation you happen to find yourself in, there is a song that you can listen to, and it will make you feel better in some way. Whether that song cheers you up, or makes you cry or just lets you know that you are not the only person to be going through the situation that you're going through otherwise there wouldn't be a song about it, it will help you and make you feel just a little bit better, if only for a moment. And sometimes that's all we need, is to feel better just for a moment. And that is why I LOVE music so much. It's my outlet. When I'm pissed off, I listen to "My Life" by Billy Joel, or more recently, "Break" by Limp Bizkit. When I'm in a really good mood, I'll listen to "Our Song" by Taylor Swift or Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." When I need to cry, I listen to Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" because it reminds me of my brother, who died my senior year of high school. Listening to these songs is like listening to a part of my soul that I wouldn't know how to express otherwise.

I was born in 1983. So I was only 5 years old when New Kids On The Block came out with their most popular album, Hangin' Tough. Joey was my favorite (still is, actually), and he's the one that sang my favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Being only 5 years old, Please Don't Go Girl, as far as I can remember, was my first favorite real song. "Real" meaning it wasn't a nursery rhyme like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Mary Had a Little Lamb. It's the first song I remember wanting to listen to on repeat. I loved NKOTB, and so did my sister, who is older than me by 8 1/2 years. It's the only thing we had in common when I was little. And because she is so much older than me, she got to go to a couple concerts and I didn't. I was insanely jealous. I never did get to go to a concert because I was just too young. And then they split up. I accepted that I would never get to go to a NKOTB concert, and I found other music to love.

Then New Kids On The Block got back together in 2008 and did a reunion tour around the country. My husband, my 2 children, and I were living in Washington State at the time because my husband is in the Navy, so I started searching the internet for tickets to the November concert in Tacoma. I found 2nd row seats for a pretty reasonable price. Holy crap! Not only was I going to finally have my chance to go to a NKOTB concert, I was going to be in the 2nd row! When the guys came out on stage and Joey McIntyre, the first-ever-love-of-my-life, started singing the first line of "Single", my inner 5 year old started bouncing off the walls. And then he did it. He sang Please Don't Go Girl right in front of me. I was speechless. That was one of the best moments of my life.

Which is why I got a New Kids On The Block tattoo. I had gotten a musical tattoo before, just to have something that symbolized my love for music in general:

I love my musical heart, but it is just a picture that I found on the internet and edited slightly. I wanted something more personal. Lots of other New Kids fans were getting NK tattoos, and some of them were pretty cool. There were creepy ones too, like the girl who got all the New Kids' faces tattooed on her leg...

I didn't want something that was blatantly NKOTB related. I wanted mine to be more subtle, and I wanted it to be more personal. So I found the sheet music for my favorite NK song. 

It goes about 2/3 of the way around my arm, and it's the music for the first two lines of Please Don't Go Girl. (Please don't go girl. You would ruin my whole world. Tell me you'll stay. Never ever go away.) Is it crazy? Yeah, a little. But who cares? This is my bright red strapless ball gown, and I wear it with no apologies. People look at it and think it's the coolest thing ever, and then laugh a little when I tell them it's a New Kids On The Block song, but I don't care. Everyone has a favorite band and a favorite song from when they were young, and this is mine. It's the start of my passion for music, and now it will be with me always. 

And the best part? I got to show it to Joey. When NKOTB were touring with Backstreet Boys last year, they came to Chicago, and I splurged and got myself a meet & greet ticket. So before the concert, you get to meet the band and get your picture taken with them. I showed him my tattoo, and he said, "How far around does it go?" And he looked at the whole thing. Then he asked me which part of the song it was, so I told him it was the first two lines. So he followed the music on my arm with his finger while he hummed the song to me. It doesn't get much better than that.

So yeah, maybe it was a little overindulgent and silly for me to get a New Kids On The Block tattoo. But I think we all need a little silly in our lives. Who wants to be boring their whole life? Do something crazy every once in a while. Something other than cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing homework, and just being responsible in general. Because in the end, I'm not going to remember all those times I loaded the dishwasher, but I will remember that moment when Joey McIntyre hummed Please Don't Go Girl to me. And it was sooooo worth it.

So this year, while you're thinking of what your New Year's resolutions should be, make sure you throw something a little crazy in there too. You'll be glad you did.

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year everyone! This has been one hell of a year. Exciting, tragic, fun, and sad.

In January, I started my first college classes. I took Intermediate Algebra and General Chemistry I, and did better than I thought I'd do. I got an A in math and a B in chemistry. It's good to know that I can still be a good student after all these years. And I never would've been able to do it if I didn't have such great friends! My friend Samantha babysat the kids for me for the last 2 months of the semester because they changed Nick's schedule and we didn't have anyone else to watch them during the time that we'd both be gone. Thank you so much Samantha!

My brother Tim passed away in April. He wasn't my biological brother, but he was a part of our family for a decade. I remember last New Year's Eve, he was all excited about the Harley Davidson pilsner glass that I had gotten him for Christmas. When you poured a soda into it, the fizz covered up the picture on the glass, and as the fizz went away, it looked like the picture on the glass sort of magically appeared out of nowhere. He only got it to happen once, and he kept trying to get me to see it, but he couldn't make it happen again. This New Year's Eve, I have his glass. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it out of the package and drink from it yet, though.

In June, I turned 28 and officially became older than my older brother, Joe. That was a weird feeling, since Joe was 10 1/2 years older than me. Catching up to him in age was never supposed to be an option. As I say goodbye to 2011, it makes my heart ache that I can't celebrate the new year with either of my brothers. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what Joe would be like if he were still here, or what I'd be making fun of Tim for if he were still here. Love you both so much, and hopefully our souls will cross paths again someday. xoxo

This year wasn't only filled with sorrow though. I got a new tattoo of the notes to my first favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Then when I got to meet Joey McIntyre in June at the NKOTBSB concert that was my birthday present, he looked at it, followed the music and hummed it to me. My inner 6 year old died and went to heaven.

Nick and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. :) Love you Nick!

We made some new friends, Autumn and Tom! They moved in next door when Rick and Becky moved out. We've all shared a lot of laughs together..... hug coupons, stupid neighbors, rearranging houses, and ASS! :) LOL

I also got to take my mom to get her first tattoo for her birthday! I'm so glad I got to be there with her for that. Love you Mom!

I finished the summer by taking 2 more college classes, and getting an A in both English Composition I and World Religions.

And old friend and I have made amends, and it feels good to leave behind what was, and to let the wounds start to heal. With any luck, our acquaintanceship will turn back into the friendship that it used to be. As angry as I've been the last couple years, I still have missed the good times we had in Washington. If I didn't, then it wouldn't have bothered me so much when we stopped speaking. Here's to a better future, and a stronger friendship!

David had to start school with a bald spot because he literally pulled the hair out of his head. Weirdo. It's almost completely grown back in now, thank God. lol Abby started school with a couple less baby teeth, and David still has not even had 1 loose tooth.

I started my third semester of college the same day my kids went back to school. I took English Composition II, and College Algebra. I finished the semester with an A in English and a C in algebra. I could've done better in algebra, but I missed a lot of school due to some strange health issues I had going on. I missed about a week because I had the flu, and I missed another week or 2 just because of all the doctor's appointments that I had.

I found out that I have diverticulosis, which half of all people over the age of 60 have. Nice, right? I'm not even 30 yet! What the hell? So I had my first colonoscopy so they could check to see if I had anything else going on in there. Then my neck started to bother me. I went to the doctor, and he told me it was just an inflamed muscle. The neck pain never went away, but I had started school and it was enough of a distraction that I forgot about it until just a couple weeks ago. I went back to the doctor around the end of November, and they took some x-rays. Because they were x-raying the top of my spine, they got my skull in the film too and accidentally discovered that my sella turcica (the bone in your skull that holds your pituitary gland) is enlarged. So then I had an MRI and they found out that I have empty sella syndrome. Some cerebro-spinal fluid leaked in to that part of my brain, compressing my pituitary gland, and that is what caused that bone to be enlarged. Yikes! My neck is starting to feel much better though after some physical therapy and some good head & neck massages.

For Christmas this year, I got to see my sister and her family because they all drove up to spend the holiday with us. My nephews have all grown soooooo much and 2 of them are pretty dang close to being taller than me! Love you all so much!

Which brings me to today. Tomorrow is a new year. Nick doesn't have orders yet, so we have no idea if we'll be leaving in June, or if we'll have to extend because the Navy doesn't have the money to send him to another C school. If we have to extend, then I will truly be blessed to have more time to spend with my friends and family. If we move in June, then such is life as a Navy wife. We'll be on to our next adventure in another state. I'll miss everyone here in Illinois, but look forward to more college, and more new friends.

To all my friends and family... May the path you take be the one you're truly meant to be on. I hope it brings you happiness and good health. Don't hold grudges because life is too short. I don't care what "they" say, it's ok to have regrets, and to want to do better next time. It's called inspiration and motivation. Embrace life, try new things, be angry less often, laugh more often, and never ever forget to count your blessings. Look around you at all the wonderful things you have in your life so that when you are feeling down, you can remember those things, and hopefully they will bring you back to a better place.

Happy New Year!

Know what sucks?

When you die. Or, really, when other people die. I'm not quite sure why I wasn't meant to have a brother for more than a few years at a time, but it really sucks. I was 17 years old when my brother died. He was 10 1/2 years older than me, and I was on the verge of adulthood. I was finally at the age where he wanted to hang out with me. I was finally getting to know him better. And then he died. Then a year later, Tim came into our lives. He wasn't Joe, but he was a good older brother when I needed one. And then I joined the Navy and moved away. I finally move back home, and after so many years, I finally had the chance to hang out with Tim and get to know him better, too. And then he died.

I really, really miss my brothers. There's so much that they haven't gotten to see, and so much more to come that they'll miss out on. And that really sucks.

Joe and Tim,
I think about you guys every day. I love you and miss you always. My heart aches today, knowing that I will never see you again. Hopefully, one day, our souls will cross paths again. Peace, love, and happiness to you both.

Love,
Your little sister

28

Today is bittersweet for me. It's my birthday, and I'm so lucky that I have so many people in my life that care about me. There's still something missing though. My big brothers aren't around to share it with me. I'm officially an age that Joe never got to see, and Tim being gone is still so surreal to me. I miss both of them so much. With as happy as I am with all the birthday wishes from everyone, I can't help but shed a tear for both of them.

Joe... Tim... I love you guys.
xo xo

Time

Time is a funny thing when you're a little kid. You really have no concept of what it is. I have to keep reminding my son that he will never be as old as my daughter, who is 18 months older than he is. Kids tend to think that they older they get, the closer they get to being the same age as their older siblings, even though it doesn't work that way. Your older siblings will always be older than you.

Until today.

My brother Joe was born November 2, 1972 and passed away October 23, 2000. 10 days before his 28th birthday. I was born June 9, 1983, and today is 9 days before my 28th birthday.

I am older than my older brother.

As a kid, I always kind of dreamed of being the same age as my older siblings because they were cool and I wanted to be like them. It was never supposed to actually happen though.

I miss him terribly and I so wish he could be here to see everything that's happened in the last 10 1/2 years. I wish he could see who I've become, what kind of person I am. I wish we could hang out together and just talk. I wish I could hear him make fun of me one more time. I wish I could just give him a hug.

Dear Tim,

It is still so hard for me to believe that you are gone. I know that we aren't related by blood, but that means nothing. You were my brother. You came and filled a void in all our lives that we so desperately needed to be filled when Joe passed away. You helped us all through that pain and I think that was your purpose. Robin needed a partner. The kids needed a dad. Amy and I needed a big brother. Mom and Dad needed a son. You became all those things to all of us, and we all miss you terribly. You being a part of our family for the last 10 years has been a gift that we will treasure always.

I'm really going to miss playing board games and pool with you on New Year's Eve. Teasing you about sending me text messages that weren't really meant for me (babe). Laughing about that stupid toilet brush. I'm going to miss seeing you at all our family get-togethers. It will never be the same.

I love you, Tim. Thank you for the last 10 years.

New beginnings

The first week of the new year is already over. I can tell this year is going to go by so fast.

I'm starting college for the first time on the 18th, majoring in pre-pharmacy. I'm a little nervous because it's been so long since I've been in school, but mostly I'm excited. When I graduated high school, I joined the Navy because I had no idea what I wanted to be "when I grew up". So I thought being in the Navy would give me time to think about it. I had planned on going to college at some point while I was still in the service, but I never made it that far. Before I could ever be stationed on a ship, I found out I was pregnant, and that's when my husband and I got married. We knew if we didn't get married then, that we might never see each other again because the Navy doesn't station you together if you're not married. (We're still married btw, so it wasn't just some "rush into it" decision that we made. Almost 8 years now!) After Abby was born, I still wanted to be in the Navy. I thought the Navy would work with Nick and I and alternate our sea duty rotations so that I'd be on shore while Nick was assigned to a ship, and vice versa. They didn't. Nick was on a ship, and my detailer wanted me to be on a ship too. That's when I knew my Navy career was going to be cut short. I refused to be on a ship the same time as my husband. It would've been hard enough on our kids to always have one of us out to sea, but to have BOTH parents out to sea at the same time and have someone else raising them?? No. Absolutely not.

For a long time, I was very resentful. I LOVE traveling. I mean, I didn't join the Navy just to get pregnant and get kicked out. I really wanted to go places and see things that most people don't get to. Nick gets to do all that, and I'm still jealous. Jealous, not resentful anymore. Over the years since I was discharged, I've accepted the fact that I most likely will never get to see the world. I still really wanted to go to college though. One of the things my dad told me when I was growing up was that I should always be self-sufficient. I shouldn't get myself in a position where I'm totally dependent on another person because, let's face it, most people are not trustworthy. There's that potential for me to get screwed over so bad I may never recover from it. Which is partially why I joined the Navy. I figured if nothing else, I'll at least still have a job right? lol Yeah......

So, since 2004, I have been a stay at home mom. I haven't had a job since then, and I'm completely dependent on Nick. Here's hoping we don't get divorced anytime in the near future. lol So me going to college right now is HUGE for me. I feel like I'm finally on my way back to being able to provide for myself. In a few years, Nick will be retired from the Navy, and he'll be the one dependent on my paycheck. I gotta say, that feels pretty good, knowing that I'll actually be able to contribute something instead of just feeling like a leech.

In addition to all of that, I've made amends with some people after being so angry for so long. I'm still a little angry, but most of that weight feels like it's been lifted off my shoulders. I know this paragraph is probably a little enigmatic to most of you, and really... you don't need to know all the gory details of what exactly I'm talking about.

All you need to know is that I'm finally on my way to truly being happy again for the first time in a long time. So here's to new beginnings, second chances, and happiness.