Bored

I quit my job a few weeks ago, and I'm back to being a stay-at-home mom. Temporarily. I'm going through some anxiety issues right now, and my therapist and I have agreed that it's best to wait a little bit before I start a new job somewhere. I was crocheting to help distract myself from my anxiety. Making blankets, scarves, ugly hats that nobody wears... it was calming. I'm a fidgety kind of person and it gave me something to do with my hands. But, I've lost the feeling in one of my finger tips, and my doctor thinks it may be from crocheting. Like, I may be putting too much pressure on the nerves in my finger with the way I hold the crochet hooks or something. So he told me not to crochet for 2 weeks. And now I don't know what to do with myself. So I'm writing this blog. I enjoy playing World of Warcraft, but I don't want to sit at my computer all day playing video games. Reading is hard when I have anxiety, because I literally can't turn my brain off, and I keep getting distracted by thoughts and then having to re-read whatever paragraph I've been trying to read for the last 10 minutes. I love origami, but how many paper cups and paper animals do I really need sitting around the house just because I'm bored and need something to do with my hands? I like scrapbooking, but that takes up a lot of room, and I need to be able to spread out, and I don't have anywhere to do that. Someone once suggested that I write a book. I enjoy writing, but I have no idea what to write about.

My problem is that for my entire adult life, I've been someone's wife, and someone's mom. But I haven't been my own person. So I don't know who I am. If I didn't have a husband or kids, who would I be? What would my hobbies be? What would I enjoy doing if I were living by myself? I have no idea because everything I've done the last almost 17 years has been for my husband and kids. So what do I do with myself? How do I find out who I am? I'm in this rut, and I'm bored, and I'm trying to find a new hobby or something that I can throw myself into passionately, but I have no idea what to do. Is this what a mid-life crisis is? I'm too young for a mid-life crisis. Maybe a 1/3 life crisis? lol I am only in my 30s after all. 

Anyways... I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head. See if maybe something would come to me as I was writing this. Nothing yet. Hopefully soon.

When it comes to vaccinations, FACTS MATTER.

Vaccines are a hot button issue for a lot of people. My purpose in this blog is not to make fun of anti-vaxers, or demean them in any way. It's simply to present facts.

I know the word "facts" seems to have kind of a negative connotation these days, which I truly do not understand. Facts are good! Facts are one of the truly unbiased things in the universe. They are absolute truth whether you think they are or not, whether you "believe in them" or not, and they do not discriminate against anybody. 

The first fact I'd like to present you with is that a few years ago, I graduated from pharmacy technician school and I was a nationally licensed, CPR qualified, CPhT (Certified Pharmacy Technician). So when I talk about medicine, I'm not just spouting off random things I read on the internet. I went to school for this. I know what I'm talking about.

Next, I'm going to post some links where you will find factual information about vaccines. Everything I talk about in this blog will be from a trustworthy, reliable, factual website.

https://www.vaccines.gov/

https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/index.html

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3136032/

https://www.scribd.com/doc/25983372/FACTS-WWSM-280110-Final-Complete-Corrected

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0264410X14006367

https://www.apha.org/topics-and-issues/vaccines

https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vac-gen/additives.htm

https://www.fda.gov/vaccines-blood-biologics/safety-availability-biologics/common-ingredients-us-licensed-vaccines

https://www.publichealth.org/public-awareness/understanding-vaccines/

https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/video/vaccinescalling-the-shots

The information on these websites was gathered by real doctors and scientists who are experts in their field. This information is factual because it has been tested, peer reviewed, and verified by other experts who did their own scientific testing. 

All of that being said, let's get started. And what better place to start than at the beginning?

By beginning, I mean Andrew Wakefield. The person who originally started all of the misinformation that we currently have about vaccines. (The link to the article about him is the third one on the list of links I posted above.)

The article states: 

In 1998, Andrew Wakefield and 12 of his colleagues published a case series in a medical journal called The Lancet which suggested that the measles, mumps, rubella (MMR) vaccine may predispose to behavioral regression and pervasive developmental disorder in children. Despite the small sample size, the uncontrolled design, and the speculative nature of the conclusions, the paper received wide publicity and MMR vaccination rates began to drop because parents were concerned about the risk of autism after vaccination.

Almost immediately afterward, studies were conducted and published, refuting the link between MMR vaccination and autism. The logic that the MMR vaccine may trigger autism was also questioned because a temporal link between the two is almost predestined: both events, by design (MMR) or definition (autism), occur in early childhood.

A retraction of the interpretation of the original data was published by 10 of the 12 co-authors of the paper, and it stated, "No casual link was established between MMR vaccine and autism as the data were insufficient." This was accompanied by an admission by The Lancet that Wakefield had failed to disclose financial interests. Wakefield had been funded by lawyers who had been engaged by parents in lawsuits against vaccine-producing companies.

The Lancet completely retracted the Wakefield paper in February 2010, admitting that several elements in the paper were incorrect, contrary to the findings in the earlier investigation. Wakefield and his team were found guilty of ethical violations (they had conducted invasive investigations on the children without obtaining the necessary ethical clearances) and scientific misrepresentation (they reported that their sampling was consecutive when, in fact, it was selective).

They were also found guilty of deliberate fraud (they picked and chose data that suited their case, and they falsified facts). The British Medical Journal has published a series of articles on the exposure of the fraud, which appears to have taken place for financial gain.

So, in layman's terms, he literally got paid to make up a bunch of lies about vaccines. Nothing he said was true, and he lost his medical license for lying and being unethical. If you google "scholarly articles about vaccines and autism" you'll find that many many studies have been done on this topic, and none of them have ever found any link between the two. In my list of links above, I've included a link to one such study.

Next, I'd like to discuss the ingredients in vaccines. Many of the ingredients found in vaccines that people tend to worry about can actually be found naturally in everyday foods that we eat. When applicable, I'll mention what food contains said ingredient.

I HAVE A HEARTBEAT TOO.

Abortion has been in the news a lot lately. I've been reading a lot of news articles, and the comments on those articles. There's a lot of this kind of stuff: "Just don't have sex!" or "Just use birth control!" or "Just have the baby and give it up for adoption!" or "But it has a heartbeat!"

Let's address these things in order, shall we?

1) "Just don't have sex!" Really? Really?? Come on. We all know that this is just unrealistic. This is not Medieval Times. You can't just expect people to not have sex just because they don't want a baby. It's just not going to happen. People like sex, and that's ok. They should be able to enjoy it without having to worry about being executed by their own country just because they got pregnant and decided they didn't want to be.

2) "Just use birth control!" Well, a lot of people do use birth control. But a there are a lot of people that don't have access to affordable birth control because our healthcare system is kind of fucked up. One place that people - both men and women - could go for affordable STI testing and birth control is Planned Parenthood. But, we all know how forced-birthers feel about Planned Parenthood. They want people to use birth control, but they don't want them to have access to birth control. You can't have it both ways people. Not to mention the fact that birth control is only 99% effective. There are certain medications and even vitamins, that when taken, can completely negate the effects of birth control, or at the very least, make it much less effective. If you're even a few hours late taking your pill each day, that can also make the effectiveness go down. Even other forms of birth control can fail. Women have gotten pregnant while on the Depo shot. Condoms break. Hell, my mom had her tubes tied 2 years before she had me. Nothing is 100% effective. Nothing. Plus, there are women that are unable to take any kind of birth control because of other medical reasons. "Just take birth control" is not a solution. It helps, but it's not perfect.

3) "Just have the baby and give it up for adoption!"

I can't help but think that the people that say this have never been pregnant or given birth in their lives, and they have no idea what it is that they're actually saying. They make it seem like being pregnant for 40 weeks and giving birth is as easy as taking a shit. If women were able to go through an entire pregnancy and give birth without it affecting their own bodies at all in any way, we'd probably be having a different conversation. But the fact is that pregnancy and childbirth change a woman's body forever. And THAT is why women are fighting against all these abortion bans so hard. It's not because they want to kill babies for shits and giggles on a Thursday afternoon because they have nothing better to do with their spare time. It's because women have a right to bodily autonomy.

So, bodily autonomy means that the only person that has control over what happens to your body is you. You are the only one who can decide whether or not to pierce your bellybutton, or get a tattoo, or donate blood, or donate an organ. Not a single other person on the planet can make those decisions for you. This even applies to corpses. Dead people. With that in mind, let's go over what pregnancy and childbirth do to a woman's body...

I'll start with a few links:

https://www.womenshealth.gov/pregnancy/youre-pregnant-now-what/body-changes-and-discomforts

https://www.womenshealth.gov/pregnancy/youre-pregnant-now-what/pregnancy-complications

https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/episiotomy-types#3

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/gestational-diabetes/symptoms-causes/syc-20355339

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/preeclampsia/symptoms-causes/syc-20355745

I'm sure there are plenty more links where those came from, but these cover quite a bit.

Now, for those of you who are too lazy to click a link and read it for yourself, I'm going to go over some of these things.

Stretch marks: There are a very small handful of women that are blessed enough to not get a single stretch mark during pregnancy. The majority of women though do get stretch marks. They are a result of your body growing and stretching faster than your skin can keep up with. Women not only get them on their bellies, but also on their breasts, thighs, and butt. These stretch marks may fade over time, but they will never go away. Stretch marks are forever. Permanent scars.

Gestational diabetes: Getting gestational diabetes is not only bad for the baby (excessive birth weight, pre-term birth, respiratory distress syndrome), it's bad for mom too because there's a chance that she'll end up having diabetes for the rest of her life.

Pre-eclampsia: I had pre-eclampsia with my son. Symptoms usually include excess protein in your urine and high blood pressure. Other symptoms include: severe headaches, nausea, vomiting, temporary loss of vision, and impaired liver function. The only treatment/cure for this is to deliver the baby. If you don't, there's a possibility that it could turn into full-blown eclampsia. If that happens, the woman could have a seizure and die.

Episiotomies and vaginal tearing: Sometimes, the baby's head or shoulders are too big, or the baby comes out too fast, and your vagina will either rip open, or the doctor will cut it open with a scalpel. The incision the doctor makes is an episiotomy. There are 4 degrees of episiotomies.
*First degree consists of a small tear that only extends through the lining of the vagina. It doesn't involve the underlying tissue.
*Second degree is the most common type. It extends through the vaginal lining as well as the vaginal tissue.
*Third degree involves the vaginal lining, vaginal tissue, and part of the anal sphincter.
*Fourth degree is the most severe. It includes everything the third degree does, plus the rectal lining.
A third or fourth degree tear/episiotomy can cause the woman to lose control over her bowel movements until it is completely healed.

I have only listed 4 things that pregnancy and childbirth do to a woman's body. There are literally dozens of other side effects and medical complications that can take place. You can view some of them by clicking on the links above.

There are many, many reasons that a woman might need an abortion, but these things alone should be reason enough.

Why do people think that forcing diabetes, seizures, and anal tearing on a woman is perfectly ok?

Imagine for a second that any of these things could happen to the father of the fetus. Imagine how readily available abortions would be if there was a risk of a man's penis tearing all the way down the shaft and clear through to his anus, causing him to not have control over his bladder or bowels for months until it healed. If you wouldn't force that on a man without his consent, then you can't force it on a woman without her consent either.

This is why women can't just "pop the baby out and give it up for adoption." It's because pregnancy and childbirth will literally change (and possibly destroy) parts of her body forever. THAT is why it is the woman's choice, and the woman's choice ALONE, whether or not she wants to carry a baby to term. When we say "MY BODY, MY CHOICE" these are the reasons we say that. You cannot FORCE any of these medical complications on a person without their explicit consent.

Last, but certainly not least...

4) "But it has a heartbeat!" 

You know who else has a heartbeat? THE WOMAN. The woman has a heartbeat. Not only does she have a heartbeat, but she also has friends, a significant other, other children that may need her, a mother, a father, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. She is a whole person, and she matters to everyone in her life.

My kids right now are 13 and 15 years old. If I were to die because of pregnancy-related health complications, my teenagers would miss me a whole lot more than a fetus that doesn't know who the fuck I am. My kids are TEENAGERS. They would remember me, and grieve my death. To that fetus, I'm just a face in a photo.

Strangers have no right to force me into a life-threatening situation. The only person that gets to make decisions like that about MY body and MY life is ME.

I have a heartbeat too.

NYE 2013

I'm not feeling very festive this New Year's Eve. Nick is out to sea and won't be home for a few more months, so it's just the kids and me this year.

All I really have to say this year is that there are many paths up a mountain. Some are paved, some are rocky, and most of them have some twists and turns. Not everyone can, or wants to, take the same path that everyone else is taking. Not everyone even wants to climb the mountain. Some people just want to stand at the bottom and gaze up at it, enjoying its beauty before they move on to their next adventure in life. Maybe I prefer the weeping willows that are on my path, as opposed to the evergreens that are on yours. Does that mean that my path isn't as beautiful as yours? To you, it might mean that, if you prefer evergreens. I think all the paths are beautiful, but I happen to prefer the one I'm on. That does not mean I'm on the wrong path, just a different one. And just because I'm on the path with the weeping willows doesn't mean that everyone else loses their right to choose their own path. I'm sure there's someone out there who prefers the path adorned with Charlie Brown Christmas trees. That path is fine too. By not accepting the fact that there is more than just your own path, you will alienate every single person that happens to be on one of those other paths. Maybe that's already happened.

You can take whichever path up the mountain suits you best, but if you steal my GPS and try to reroute me, all that's going to do is piss me off, and I'll just end up throwing the damn thing out and figuring it out for myself. Continue on your path. I have no problem with your path, because it's the right one for you. But do not treat others' paths as if they don't exist, or as if they are inferior. No one's paths are inferior to anyone else's. They're all beautiful in their own way, and they all deserve a caring, loving hand to help them grow and flourish. Don't let my weeping willows wither and die because you're too arrogant to admit they exist. Love the path you're on, but acknowledge that other paths that help people become better versions of themselves, even though they're different from your own path, are still beautiful. That's all. Just love people, regardless of what path they're on, and don't bully them because they chose differently than you.

Peace and love.

Too quiet

My life is always so busy. When Nick is home, I have to work around his schedule, which changes constantly. I never know what time he's going to be home from work, sometimes they have to go underway without much notice because of a storm, they're always changing how many duty sections there are, and which one he's in.... the list goes on. The Navy is unpredictable, and it's just a part of the military way of life. Then there's the kids' schedules. The events that are going on at school, PTA meetings, parent teacher conferences, etc. Then there's my schedule right now. I'm in school, and I don't get home until a few minutes before the kids get home. Then it's homework for them, then dinner, then showers, then bedtime for them, then homework for me.

Because of all the craziness that is my life, I hardly ever have the tv on. Nick has it on all the time when he's home, and it doesn't bother me because I can just tune it out with my magical powers of selective hearing that I got when I became a mother. But when he's not here, the only time I ever have it on is if there is a specific show on at that moment that I'm going to watch.

Most of the time, I enjoy the quiet. It helps me calm down and relax after a busy day. It's peaceful. But every once in a while, it just seems a little too quiet. Like something's missing. In those moments, I know that even if I turn the tv on to have some background noise, it's still going to be too quiet because the sound of the tv isn't what's missing.

It's the sound of having that extra person in the house. It's the sound of Nick playing games with the kids, or showing me some stupid thing he found on the internet on his phone.

But today, it's the sound of my brother's voice. He'd start making fun of one of us, and he would get so loud and not even realize how loud he was. It's the sound of the basketball that I'd hear him dribbling when I'd go over to his house. It's the sound of his favorite cds that he'd play all the time... Mr. Big, Hootie and the Blowfish, Boyz II Men.

It's the sound of happiness that would emanate from my parents' house when we all got together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.

Those are the sounds that are missing. We're still happy sometimes, but never quite as happy as we were back then. We still laugh, but never quite as hard. It's been 13 years, and today, his birthday, is still so hard. I want to call him and wish him a happy birthday, tell him funny stories about the kids, and hear him make fun of me for something. I want him to tell me about the newest pair of ugly-ass Air Jordans that he just couldn't resist buying. I want him to be friends with me on facebook and write stupid crap on my wall.

I just miss him.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!

2012 was a busy year for us. I finished up my algebra and chemistry classes, we packed up and moved across the country, Nick got flown out to the ship and I unpacked a house full of stuff by myself. We've made some new friends out here in BFE, Virginia, and the kids are getting used to their new school. It was rough at first, but things are settling down. (Go knock on some wood for me. I don't want to jinx it.) This year flew by so fast I can't even believe it. Every year seems to go faster and faster.

Abby's going to be 9 in a couple weeks, and in a few months, I'll be 30. I feel like I skipped a few years or something to get here because there's no way I graduated high school more than a decade ago. It's been almost 2 years since Tim passed away, which still sounds so weird to me. I think this New Year's Eve I'll finally break out the Harley Davidson glass and see if I can recreate what he tried showing me a couple years ago with the fizz. Adios and vaya con dios, Tim. Listening to that cd still brings a tear to my eye.

To all my friends and family, enjoy the time you have here on this planet because it is so short and it goes by so fast. Don't worry so much about what's going to happen next, because you'll miss out on everything that the people you love have to offer. Be happy, but don't take away others' happiness in the process. If you have to make other people miserable for you to be happy, then you are on the wrong path and I truly hope you will find your way again. Cherish your children, take lots of pictures (something I need to work on too), and do something crazy every once in a while. Get a tattoo, take a spontaneous road trip to the Grand Canyon, splurge on something for yourself. Be safe, be smart, and think of others before yourself. Stop thinking about your resolutions and get off your butt and accomplish some of the goals you have for yourself. Know that I love you all and wish you all love, peace, and happiness.

Happy New Year.

What's more interesting than the bible? The parts that got taken out!

I don't believe in the bible. I do not believe it is the word of God. I do not believe that Jesus is my savior, or that the only way to have a decent afterlife is to believe that he died for my sins. However, I do believe that the bible is a very interesting book. It is not a history book, but it is a part of history. It was the first book to be mass distributed, and it still is a mystery to many people.

What truly fascinates me the most about the bible, though, is not the KJV that can be bought in any bookstore. It's the books that were taken out.

Like the Book of Enoch, for example. Why was this book taken out? In the book I just got for Christmas, Banned from the Bible: Books Banned, Rejected, and Forbidden, there's an introduction to the Book of Enoch that says, "It is hard to avoid the evidence that Jesus not only studied the book, but also respected it highly enough to allude to its doctrine and content."

So, what you're telling me is that the book was good enough for your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, but it's not good enough for modern-day Christians to put in their bibles?? What kind of sense does that make?!? That makes me want to read these banned books even more because it makes them more interesting.

The introduction also talks about.... wait for it..... MISTRANSLATIONS! You know, those things I keep going on and on about? People keep saying that the bible is the inerrant word of God, even though MEN, not GOD took out all these books, then translated the ones that were left (and would become the bible that so many people have right now in their living rooms) over and over and over again. Some of the things were mistranslated on purpose. The mistranslation that my book talks about is in Luke. The book says, "Other evidence of the early Christians' acceptance of the Book of Enoch was for many years buried under the King James Bible's mistranslation of Luke 9:35, describing the transfiguration of Christ: 'And there came a voice out of the cloud, saying, "This is my beloved Son. Hear him."' Apparently the translator here wished to make this verse agree with a similar verse in Matthew and Mark. But Luke's verse in the original Greek reads: This is my Son, the Elect One (from the Greek ho eklelegmenos, lit., This is mine, the elect one. Hear him.)"

So, you mean that the King James Version of the bible is really just the version that was changed to match the beliefs they already had at the time, rather than an actual, accurate, direct translation the way "God" intended everyone to read it? YEP! The King James Version of the bible is the version he liked the best. They changed things on purpose, they took books out (even the books that Jesus himself approved of!!!!!), and they altered it so much that no one in their right mind could possibly say that it is the INERRANT word of GOD. It's full of errors! That is a FACT. It's not my opinion, and it's not something I'm making up to piss people off. It is a verifiable FACT.

No amount of BELIEF can make these things wrong. That's why they're called facts. You can believe all you want that grass is purple. You can sing, "THE GRASS IS PURPLE" from every rooftop in the world, and write it down in books and even have a following of millions of other people that are convinced that grass is purple. But the FACT still remains that grass is green, and nothing you believe will change that fact.

The same goes for the bible. You can believe all you want that it's the inerrant word of God, but that will never change the fact that it's not.

It was written, and edited by MEN. It was written by men to give people inspiration and hope, and to help other people be good people, but it is not perfect. It has helped people, it has saved people, but does it read exactly the way it did when it was first written? Nope.

I'm very much looking forward to reading the banned books to see what exactly could be good enough for Jesus himself, but not good enough for the people who believe he is their savior.

The history of the Christmas tree

http://www.history.com/topics/history-of-christmas-trees

Long before the advent of Christianity, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people in the winter. Just as people today decorate their homes during the festive season with pine, spruce, and fir trees, ancient peoples hung evergreen boughs over their doors and windows. In many countries it was believed that evergreens would keep away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness.

In the Northern hemisphere, the shortest day and longest night of the year falls on December 21 or December 22 and is called the winter solstice. Many ancient people believed that the sun was a god and that winter came every year because the sun god had become sick and weak. They celebrated the solstice because it meant that at last the sun god would begin to get well. Evergreen boughs reminded them of all the green plants that would grow again when the sun god was strong and summer would return.

The ancient Egyptians worshipped a god called Ra, who had the head of a hawk and wore the sun as a blazing disk in his crown. At the solstice, when Ra began to recover from the illness, the Egyptians filled their homes with green palm rushes which symbolized for them the triumph of life over death.

Early Romans marked the solstice with a feast called the Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. The Romans knew that the solstice meant that soon farms and orchards would be green and fruitful. To mark the occasion, they decorated their homes and temples with evergreen boughs. In Northern Europe the mysterious Druids, the priests of the ancient Celts, also decorated their temples with evergreen boughs as a symbol of everlasting life. The fierce Vikings in Scandinavia thought that evergreens were the special plant of the sun god, Balder.

Germany is credited with starting the Christmas tree tradition as we now know it in the 16th century when devout Christians brought decorated trees into their homes. Some built Christmas pyramids of wood and decorated them with evergreens and candles if wood was scarce. It is a widely held belief that Martin Luther, the 16th century Protestant reformer, first added lighted candles to a tree. Walking toward his home one winter evening, composing a sermon, he was awed by the brilliance of stars twinkling amidst evergreens. to recapture the scene for his family, he erected a tree in the main room and wired its branches with lighted candles.

Most 19th century Americans found Christmas trees an oddity. The first record of one being on display was in the 1830s by the German settlers of Pennsylvania, although trees had been a tradition in many German homes much earlier. The Pennsylvania German settlements had community trees as early as 1747. But, as late as the 1840s, Christmas trees were seen as pagan symbols and not accepted by most Americans.

It is not surprising that, like many other festive Christmas customs, the tree was adopted so late in America. To the New England Puritans, Christmas was sacred. The pilgrims' second governor, William Bradford, wrote that he tried hard to stamp out "pagan mockery" of the observance, penalizing any frivolity. The influential Oliver Cromwell preached against "the heathen traditions" of Christmas carols, decorated trees, and any joyful expression that desecrated "that sacred event." In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts enacted a law making any observance of December 25 (other than a church service) a penal offense; people were fined for hanging decorations. That stern solemnity continued until the 19th century, when the influx of German and Irish immigrants undermined the Puritan legacy.

In 1846, the popular royals, Queen Victoria and her German Prince, Albert, were sketched in the illustrated London News standing with their children around a Christmas tree. Unlike the previous royal family, Victoria was very popular with her subjects, and what was done at court immediately became fashionable - not only in Britain, but with fashion-conscious East Coast American Society. The Christmas tree had arrived.

By the 1890s Christmas ornaments were arriving from Germany and Christmas tree popularity was on the rise around the U.S. It was noted that Europeans used small trees, about 4 feet in height, while Americans liked their Christmas trees to reach from floor to ceiling.

The early 20th century saw Americans decorating their trees mainly with homemade ornaments, while the German-American sect continued to use apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies. Popcorn joined in after being dyed bright colors and interlaced with berries and nuts. Electricity brought about Christmas lights, making it possible for Christmas trees to glow for days on end. With this, Christmas trees began to appear in town squares across the country and having a Christmas tree in the home became an American tradition.

12 years

Dear Joe,

Twelve years. Wow. There are some days where it doesn't seem like it's been that long, and other days it seems like it's been longer. Today is kind of both at the same time. Nothing's been the same since you left. We've all laughed and had good times, but it always seems like it could be just a little bit better, or a little bit happier. I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. This year is pretty bad because I'm alone. Nick's out to sea, and I don't have friends that live right next door that'll come over and drag me out of the house to distract me. I'm just home alone, with my thoughts. Just know that I will always, always love you and miss you and wish you were still here.

Love,
me

The Oath

"I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice."  --Oath of Enlistment for the Armed Forces of the United States of America

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."  --1st amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America

The 1st Amendment not only prevents the establishment of a national religion, but it also prohibits government aid to any religion, even on a non-preferential basis, as well as protecting the right of the individual to choose to worship, or not, as he or she sees fit.

It is not the government's job to care what religion you are. It's the government's job to NOT care what religion you are. If the government started allowing all citizens who happen to be one particular religion to opt out of paying some fee based on the religion they claim to be, then they would have to do that for every religion in existence, and the result would be that no one in the country would pay any kind of taxes or fees or anything else and our country would go down the tubes.

Forcing religion on the whole country is against the Constitution. Plain and simple. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If something is against your religion, DON'T DO IT. Just because something is against YOUR religion does not mean it is against EVERYONE'S religion. If my life is in danger because of a pregnancy, but I'm not allowed to get an abortion to save my own life because of something the bible says, THAT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL. PERIOD.

Our country does not have a national religion. That was the whole point when our country was founded. Yes, some of our founding fathers were Christian, but not all of them were. The great thing about our founding fathers is that even though they weren't all the same religion, they all had the same dream for our country: freedom from religious persecution. They all wanted to be able to worship whatever deity they wanted to worship in peace, without anyone else telling them how to do it. Forcing Christianity on the whole country goes against EVERYTHING our founding fathers wanted for our country. They came here to escape things like that.

When I joined the Navy in 2001, I vowed to support and defend the Constitution. So did Nick. You can say all the stupid shit you want, and we will support to the death your right to say it, but that does not mean you're right. The Constitution is what is right. Trying to force the bible and Christianity on everyone is WRONG.

Day 1

Today was our first full day without Nick here at home with us. The ship he's assigned to has been on deployment since March, and he had to go meet the ship in port somewhere. (I'd say where, but I'm not allowed to.)

I know I've been through all this before, but this time is different. The last time Nick was on a ship, it had just gotten back from deployment, so he was home for a few months before he had to go out to sea. Or he'd go out for a week or two and then be home again for a while. There was a transition period.

We got to Virginia July 23rd. Two weeks and a day later, I'm forced to say goodbye to him for 3 months. We haven't even been in our house for a week, and we don't even have our furniture yet. It's being delivered on Friday. When Nick comes home, he's not even going to recognize his own house. All of that makes this time so much harder. I got dropped off in a strange house in a neighborhood where I don't know my way around, and now I'm completely on my own. I feel so lost. It all happened so fast. I know I should be able to handle this because I was in the Navy myself, and I've been a Navy wife for 9 years, but this shit never gets any easier. You get used to how much it sucks, but it doesn't get easier.

I was ok most of the day because I had some running around to do. I had to take the kids to their school so they could read for one of the teachers. That way, the school knows which class to put them in, and what kind of reading they should be assigned. They both did really well! David (going into 2nd grade) is reading at a 4th grade level, and Abby (going into 3rd grade) is reading at a 4th/5th grade level! After that, I had to go to the school admin building a few miles away and verify our address, and then I had to go pick up our mailbox key from the post office. We headed home after that, and waited for the cable guy to show up. He never did, and is going to have to come another day because they got too busy and didn't have time to get to me. Oh well.

But after all that, I was sitting here and realized that I hadn't really talked to anyone all day. I mean, I talked to the teachers about how well the kids read to her, and I talked to the kids, but you can only talk to people under the age of 10 for so long before you start craving some adult conversation. That's when I really started feeling down today. I was fighting back some tears when I got a phone call from a good friend. So that helped make me feel a little less lonely.

The hardest part of the day is at night. It's past the time that any normal human being would call to talk, the kids are asleep, and I'm laying there alone, tossing and turning because I've gotten used to sleeping next to someone and now he's not there. And then I just feel so empty and alone.

And then I sit here and think about it, and realize that all the other spouses of everyone else on the ship must think I'm ridiculous. Their sailors have been on deployment since March. They've already had a halfway party and are starting to get excited that the deployment is almost over, and here I am crying because I'm not going to see my husband for 3 months. I know, I know... suck it up buttercup. And I will. In a few days. It'll be easier once we have furniture and all of our stuff and I have something to do around the house other than play facebook games.

So that's how Day 1 has been. Not great, but it could've been worse.

THIS! EVERYONE DO THIS!

There's a blog I love, and Jenny, the woman who writes it, posted a link to a particular post on twitter today:

http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/

"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies.  I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be.  And the more I thought about it the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”.  Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better.  Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it."

This next part is going to seem like a non-sequitur but it's not.

I love music. I always have. I believe that for every mood you're in, and for every situation you happen to find yourself in, there is a song that you can listen to, and it will make you feel better in some way. Whether that song cheers you up, or makes you cry or just lets you know that you are not the only person to be going through the situation that you're going through otherwise there wouldn't be a song about it, it will help you and make you feel just a little bit better, if only for a moment. And sometimes that's all we need, is to feel better just for a moment. And that is why I LOVE music so much. It's my outlet. When I'm pissed off, I listen to "My Life" by Billy Joel, or more recently, "Break" by Limp Bizkit. When I'm in a really good mood, I'll listen to "Our Song" by Taylor Swift or Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." When I need to cry, I listen to Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" because it reminds me of my brother, who died my senior year of high school. Listening to these songs is like listening to a part of my soul that I wouldn't know how to express otherwise.

I was born in 1983. So I was only 5 years old when New Kids On The Block came out with their most popular album, Hangin' Tough. Joey was my favorite (still is, actually), and he's the one that sang my favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Being only 5 years old, Please Don't Go Girl, as far as I can remember, was my first favorite real song. "Real" meaning it wasn't a nursery rhyme like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Mary Had a Little Lamb. It's the first song I remember wanting to listen to on repeat. I loved NKOTB, and so did my sister, who is older than me by 8 1/2 years. It's the only thing we had in common when I was little. And because she is so much older than me, she got to go to a couple concerts and I didn't. I was insanely jealous. I never did get to go to a concert because I was just too young. And then they split up. I accepted that I would never get to go to a NKOTB concert, and I found other music to love.

Then New Kids On The Block got back together in 2008 and did a reunion tour around the country. My husband, my 2 children, and I were living in Washington State at the time because my husband is in the Navy, so I started searching the internet for tickets to the November concert in Tacoma. I found 2nd row seats for a pretty reasonable price. Holy crap! Not only was I going to finally have my chance to go to a NKOTB concert, I was going to be in the 2nd row! When the guys came out on stage and Joey McIntyre, the first-ever-love-of-my-life, started singing the first line of "Single", my inner 5 year old started bouncing off the walls. And then he did it. He sang Please Don't Go Girl right in front of me. I was speechless. That was one of the best moments of my life.

Which is why I got a New Kids On The Block tattoo. I had gotten a musical tattoo before, just to have something that symbolized my love for music in general:

I love my musical heart, but it is just a picture that I found on the internet and edited slightly. I wanted something more personal. Lots of other New Kids fans were getting NK tattoos, and some of them were pretty cool. There were creepy ones too, like the girl who got all the New Kids' faces tattooed on her leg...

I didn't want something that was blatantly NKOTB related. I wanted mine to be more subtle, and I wanted it to be more personal. So I found the sheet music for my favorite NK song. 

It goes about 2/3 of the way around my arm, and it's the music for the first two lines of Please Don't Go Girl. (Please don't go girl. You would ruin my whole world. Tell me you'll stay. Never ever go away.) Is it crazy? Yeah, a little. But who cares? This is my bright red strapless ball gown, and I wear it with no apologies. People look at it and think it's the coolest thing ever, and then laugh a little when I tell them it's a New Kids On The Block song, but I don't care. Everyone has a favorite band and a favorite song from when they were young, and this is mine. It's the start of my passion for music, and now it will be with me always. 

And the best part? I got to show it to Joey. When NKOTB were touring with Backstreet Boys last year, they came to Chicago, and I splurged and got myself a meet & greet ticket. So before the concert, you get to meet the band and get your picture taken with them. I showed him my tattoo, and he said, "How far around does it go?" And he looked at the whole thing. Then he asked me which part of the song it was, so I told him it was the first two lines. So he followed the music on my arm with his finger while he hummed the song to me. It doesn't get much better than that.

So yeah, maybe it was a little overindulgent and silly for me to get a New Kids On The Block tattoo. But I think we all need a little silly in our lives. Who wants to be boring their whole life? Do something crazy every once in a while. Something other than cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing homework, and just being responsible in general. Because in the end, I'm not going to remember all those times I loaded the dishwasher, but I will remember that moment when Joey McIntyre hummed Please Don't Go Girl to me. And it was sooooo worth it.

So this year, while you're thinking of what your New Year's resolutions should be, make sure you throw something a little crazy in there too. You'll be glad you did.

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year everyone! This has been one hell of a year. Exciting, tragic, fun, and sad.

In January, I started my first college classes. I took Intermediate Algebra and General Chemistry I, and did better than I thought I'd do. I got an A in math and a B in chemistry. It's good to know that I can still be a good student after all these years. And I never would've been able to do it if I didn't have such great friends! My friend Samantha babysat the kids for me for the last 2 months of the semester because they changed Nick's schedule and we didn't have anyone else to watch them during the time that we'd both be gone. Thank you so much Samantha!

My brother Tim passed away in April. He wasn't my biological brother, but he was a part of our family for a decade. I remember last New Year's Eve, he was all excited about the Harley Davidson pilsner glass that I had gotten him for Christmas. When you poured a soda into it, the fizz covered up the picture on the glass, and as the fizz went away, it looked like the picture on the glass sort of magically appeared out of nowhere. He only got it to happen once, and he kept trying to get me to see it, but he couldn't make it happen again. This New Year's Eve, I have his glass. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it out of the package and drink from it yet, though.

In June, I turned 28 and officially became older than my older brother, Joe. That was a weird feeling, since Joe was 10 1/2 years older than me. Catching up to him in age was never supposed to be an option. As I say goodbye to 2011, it makes my heart ache that I can't celebrate the new year with either of my brothers. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what Joe would be like if he were still here, or what I'd be making fun of Tim for if he were still here. Love you both so much, and hopefully our souls will cross paths again someday. xoxo

This year wasn't only filled with sorrow though. I got a new tattoo of the notes to my first favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Then when I got to meet Joey McIntyre in June at the NKOTBSB concert that was my birthday present, he looked at it, followed the music and hummed it to me. My inner 6 year old died and went to heaven.

Nick and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. :) Love you Nick!

We made some new friends, Autumn and Tom! They moved in next door when Rick and Becky moved out. We've all shared a lot of laughs together..... hug coupons, stupid neighbors, rearranging houses, and ASS! :) LOL

I also got to take my mom to get her first tattoo for her birthday! I'm so glad I got to be there with her for that. Love you Mom!

I finished the summer by taking 2 more college classes, and getting an A in both English Composition I and World Religions.

And old friend and I have made amends, and it feels good to leave behind what was, and to let the wounds start to heal. With any luck, our acquaintanceship will turn back into the friendship that it used to be. As angry as I've been the last couple years, I still have missed the good times we had in Washington. If I didn't, then it wouldn't have bothered me so much when we stopped speaking. Here's to a better future, and a stronger friendship!

David had to start school with a bald spot because he literally pulled the hair out of his head. Weirdo. It's almost completely grown back in now, thank God. lol Abby started school with a couple less baby teeth, and David still has not even had 1 loose tooth.

I started my third semester of college the same day my kids went back to school. I took English Composition II, and College Algebra. I finished the semester with an A in English and a C in algebra. I could've done better in algebra, but I missed a lot of school due to some strange health issues I had going on. I missed about a week because I had the flu, and I missed another week or 2 just because of all the doctor's appointments that I had.

I found out that I have diverticulosis, which half of all people over the age of 60 have. Nice, right? I'm not even 30 yet! What the hell? So I had my first colonoscopy so they could check to see if I had anything else going on in there. Then my neck started to bother me. I went to the doctor, and he told me it was just an inflamed muscle. The neck pain never went away, but I had started school and it was enough of a distraction that I forgot about it until just a couple weeks ago. I went back to the doctor around the end of November, and they took some x-rays. Because they were x-raying the top of my spine, they got my skull in the film too and accidentally discovered that my sella turcica (the bone in your skull that holds your pituitary gland) is enlarged. So then I had an MRI and they found out that I have empty sella syndrome. Some cerebro-spinal fluid leaked in to that part of my brain, compressing my pituitary gland, and that is what caused that bone to be enlarged. Yikes! My neck is starting to feel much better though after some physical therapy and some good head & neck massages.

For Christmas this year, I got to see my sister and her family because they all drove up to spend the holiday with us. My nephews have all grown soooooo much and 2 of them are pretty dang close to being taller than me! Love you all so much!

Which brings me to today. Tomorrow is a new year. Nick doesn't have orders yet, so we have no idea if we'll be leaving in June, or if we'll have to extend because the Navy doesn't have the money to send him to another C school. If we have to extend, then I will truly be blessed to have more time to spend with my friends and family. If we move in June, then such is life as a Navy wife. We'll be on to our next adventure in another state. I'll miss everyone here in Illinois, but look forward to more college, and more new friends.

To all my friends and family... May the path you take be the one you're truly meant to be on. I hope it brings you happiness and good health. Don't hold grudges because life is too short. I don't care what "they" say, it's ok to have regrets, and to want to do better next time. It's called inspiration and motivation. Embrace life, try new things, be angry less often, laugh more often, and never ever forget to count your blessings. Look around you at all the wonderful things you have in your life so that when you are feeling down, you can remember those things, and hopefully they will bring you back to a better place.

Happy New Year!

Know what sucks?

When you die. Or, really, when other people die. I'm not quite sure why I wasn't meant to have a brother for more than a few years at a time, but it really sucks. I was 17 years old when my brother died. He was 10 1/2 years older than me, and I was on the verge of adulthood. I was finally at the age where he wanted to hang out with me. I was finally getting to know him better. And then he died. Then a year later, Tim came into our lives. He wasn't Joe, but he was a good older brother when I needed one. And then I joined the Navy and moved away. I finally move back home, and after so many years, I finally had the chance to hang out with Tim and get to know him better, too. And then he died.

I really, really miss my brothers. There's so much that they haven't gotten to see, and so much more to come that they'll miss out on. And that really sucks.

Joe and Tim,
I think about you guys every day. I love you and miss you always. My heart aches today, knowing that I will never see you again. Hopefully, one day, our souls will cross paths again. Peace, love, and happiness to you both.

Love,
Your little sister

28

Today is bittersweet for me. It's my birthday, and I'm so lucky that I have so many people in my life that care about me. There's still something missing though. My big brothers aren't around to share it with me. I'm officially an age that Joe never got to see, and Tim being gone is still so surreal to me. I miss both of them so much. With as happy as I am with all the birthday wishes from everyone, I can't help but shed a tear for both of them.

Joe... Tim... I love you guys.
xo xo

Time

Time is a funny thing when you're a little kid. You really have no concept of what it is. I have to keep reminding my son that he will never be as old as my daughter, who is 18 months older than he is. Kids tend to think that they older they get, the closer they get to being the same age as their older siblings, even though it doesn't work that way. Your older siblings will always be older than you.

Until today.

My brother Joe was born November 2, 1972 and passed away October 23, 2000. 10 days before his 28th birthday. I was born June 9, 1983, and today is 9 days before my 28th birthday.

I am older than my older brother.

As a kid, I always kind of dreamed of being the same age as my older siblings because they were cool and I wanted to be like them. It was never supposed to actually happen though.

I miss him terribly and I so wish he could be here to see everything that's happened in the last 10 1/2 years. I wish he could see who I've become, what kind of person I am. I wish we could hang out together and just talk. I wish I could hear him make fun of me one more time. I wish I could just give him a hug.

Dear Tim,

It is still so hard for me to believe that you are gone. I know that we aren't related by blood, but that means nothing. You were my brother. You came and filled a void in all our lives that we so desperately needed to be filled when Joe passed away. You helped us all through that pain and I think that was your purpose. Robin needed a partner. The kids needed a dad. Amy and I needed a big brother. Mom and Dad needed a son. You became all those things to all of us, and we all miss you terribly. You being a part of our family for the last 10 years has been a gift that we will treasure always.

I'm really going to miss playing board games and pool with you on New Year's Eve. Teasing you about sending me text messages that weren't really meant for me (babe). Laughing about that stupid toilet brush. I'm going to miss seeing you at all our family get-togethers. It will never be the same.

I love you, Tim. Thank you for the last 10 years.

New beginnings

The first week of the new year is already over. I can tell this year is going to go by so fast.

I'm starting college for the first time on the 18th, majoring in pre-pharmacy. I'm a little nervous because it's been so long since I've been in school, but mostly I'm excited. When I graduated high school, I joined the Navy because I had no idea what I wanted to be "when I grew up". So I thought being in the Navy would give me time to think about it. I had planned on going to college at some point while I was still in the service, but I never made it that far. Before I could ever be stationed on a ship, I found out I was pregnant, and that's when my husband and I got married. We knew if we didn't get married then, that we might never see each other again because the Navy doesn't station you together if you're not married. (We're still married btw, so it wasn't just some "rush into it" decision that we made. Almost 8 years now!) After Abby was born, I still wanted to be in the Navy. I thought the Navy would work with Nick and I and alternate our sea duty rotations so that I'd be on shore while Nick was assigned to a ship, and vice versa. They didn't. Nick was on a ship, and my detailer wanted me to be on a ship too. That's when I knew my Navy career was going to be cut short. I refused to be on a ship the same time as my husband. It would've been hard enough on our kids to always have one of us out to sea, but to have BOTH parents out to sea at the same time and have someone else raising them?? No. Absolutely not.

For a long time, I was very resentful. I LOVE traveling. I mean, I didn't join the Navy just to get pregnant and get kicked out. I really wanted to go places and see things that most people don't get to. Nick gets to do all that, and I'm still jealous. Jealous, not resentful anymore. Over the years since I was discharged, I've accepted the fact that I most likely will never get to see the world. I still really wanted to go to college though. One of the things my dad told me when I was growing up was that I should always be self-sufficient. I shouldn't get myself in a position where I'm totally dependent on another person because, let's face it, most people are not trustworthy. There's that potential for me to get screwed over so bad I may never recover from it. Which is partially why I joined the Navy. I figured if nothing else, I'll at least still have a job right? lol Yeah......

So, since 2004, I have been a stay at home mom. I haven't had a job since then, and I'm completely dependent on Nick. Here's hoping we don't get divorced anytime in the near future. lol So me going to college right now is HUGE for me. I feel like I'm finally on my way back to being able to provide for myself. In a few years, Nick will be retired from the Navy, and he'll be the one dependent on my paycheck. I gotta say, that feels pretty good, knowing that I'll actually be able to contribute something instead of just feeling like a leech.

In addition to all of that, I've made amends with some people after being so angry for so long. I'm still a little angry, but most of that weight feels like it's been lifted off my shoulders. I know this paragraph is probably a little enigmatic to most of you, and really... you don't need to know all the gory details of what exactly I'm talking about.

All you need to know is that I'm finally on my way to truly being happy again for the first time in a long time. So here's to new beginnings, second chances, and happiness.

Did all of that really happen?

NKOTB got back together, and I saw 5 of their concerts in 5 different states. Not only that, but I made some of the best friends in the process. BCP BABY! Chicago Plan? What Chicago Plan?

State #1: Washington
I saw them in concert for the first time ever on November 22, 2008 in Tacoma, WA. That by itself is amazing enough, considering the fact that I thought I'd never be able to see them in concert at all. I desperately wanted to see them in concert the first time around, but I was too young. My sister got to go to a couple concerts, and I was insanely jealous. Eventually, I got my mom to say that she'd take me to a concert the next time they were in town, but they split up shortly after that. So when I saw 2 front row tickets were available for the concert in Tacoma, you bet your ass I bought 'em! They came out on the stage, and I was in awe. I couldn't even believe my own eyes. Joey really was standing right in front of me singing Please Don't Go Girl.

He sang part of Click, Click, Click to me, and at the end of the concert, Jon reached out and touched my hand. (My right hand, for those of you who were wondering.)

 

I took tons of pictures, and a few videos (not as many as I now wish I had taken), and made a whole photo album of it the very next day.

State #2: Iowa
Then the end of January comes, and my friend in Iowa, Mel, who I had never met in person before calls me the night she is camping outside waiting to buy tickets for the Des Moines concert and says, "If you want, I can get you a ticket!" Iowa?? For real? Was I seriously considering flying almost 2,000 miles to go to a New Kids On The Block concert with a bunch of people I had never even met? It all sounds so crazy, but I have some of the best memories ever from that concert. I'm sitting here laughing out loud just thinking about it. I flew into Nebraska, and drove to Mel's house the night before the concert. Mel, Shannon, and I stayed up all night long looking at pictures, making t-shirts, signs, and a very lame version of Joey's topless porkpie hat, and just laughing our asses off. Morning comes, and Mel's friend Jen came over with one of her friends and we all sat around watching Hangin' Tough on VHS, wondering the whole time what the hell the choreographer for Stay With Me Baby was smoking. LOL

Time to leave for the concert! For some reason, even though I had never been to Iowa before in my life, I ended up being the one driving. Whatever. I just flew to freaking Iowa to go to a New Kids On The Block concert. I'm pretty much game for anything at this point. lol

We left several hours before the concert so we could hopefully hang out by the buses and maybe get some face time with the guys. We get to the building, and Mel suggests we drive around the building once before we go park so we can see where the buses are. So I turn and drive to the back right side of the building. I'm about to turn and go across the back of the building when Shannon says, "Ummmm, guys.... that's Donnie." Everyone started trying to get out of the rental car, but because it's a rental car, I couldn't figure out how to unlock everyone's doors, but it didn't matter anyway because Mel, her daughter, and Shannon all figured it out on their own and left me alone in the car. Sure enough, Donnie was right there giving people hugs. I seriously considered just leaving the car in the middle of the street until I got my hug, and then going back for it in a minute. Instead, I rolled down the window and shouted to Mel, "What about ME?!?" Mel shouts back, "I don't know! Do a lap!" LMAO WHAT?? Donnie Wahlberg is RIGHT there and you want me to keep driving?

I didn't really have time to think too much about it because I had no idea how long he'd be outside, and this may be my only chance ever to meet him. I drive across the back of the building, searching and searching for somewhere to park. As I'm coming up to a light on the other end of the building, I see a parking lot just on the other side of the intersection. SWEET! Except the light turns red. SHIT! I look around, and I didn't see any cops, and I didn't see a camera on the light, so I blow the red light, turn left, fly into a parking space, throw it in park, jump out of the car, and start running. I didn't even take the time to lock the car doors. I Flo Jo'd my ass down the street (literally down the street... it was downhill. I'm amazed I didn't trip and get road rash all over my face because that would be my luck) and I make it to the line of Blockheads in about 5 seconds. Except now that I'm about to meet Donnie Wahlberg, I'm wheezing because it was cold outside and I just set the new world record for the 100 yard dash. Come on Sarah! Catch your damn breath before he gets to you! Ok, breathing normally again. For the most part. And here comes Donnie.

I asked Shannon to take a picture of me with him, and I felt bad for doing that almost immediately afterwards because she didn't get to get a hug from him. Sorry Shannon! But hey I don't feel that bad because she was one of the people that abandoned me in the car. ;) Donnie gets to me, says hi, I say hi back, and he gives me a hug. After a few seconds, I went to let go, and he pulled me in closer for a few more seconds. He let go, smiled at me, and moved on to the girl next to me. OMG Did I seriously just HUG a New Kid?!?!? I was literally jumping up and down afterward. He gave everyone else in the line a hug, then went back to his bus.

We all hung out outside for a few more hours, and eventually some of the other guys came off the bus, or came out of the building. Mel asked Joey about the weird stuffed animal on his bus, and he said it was the bus driver's and its name was Road Dawg.

Some more time goes by, and Donnie's bodyguard comes out and says that Donnie's coming back out for some more hugs, but if we got one last time, please step back and let the people that showed up after the first time get their hugs. So, our little group all stepped back. But no one on our end of the fence went up to the fence, so we all got our places back. SWEET! I put my sweatshirt on, and gave my hat to Mel's daughter, thinking he wouldn't recognize me and I'd get another hug. He gets up to Shelby, gives her a hug and talks to her for a second. While he's doing that, I'm trying to figure out how to work my camera because apparently Donnie Wahlberg's presence made me forget how to work the damn thing. While I'm messing with my camera, he looks at me and says, "I met you earlier didn't I?" Blink. Blink blink. My brain had completely shut down. Donnie Wahlberg was talking to me. I looked at him and said, "Uh... yeah." He smiled and hugged the girl on the other side of me, and kept on going down the line. Meanwhile, I'm standing there trying to comprehend the fact that Donnie Wahlberg just remembered me. Wow.

We hung out for a little while longer, then went and got something to eat, changed clothes, then went and found our seats. First thing I did before the concert started.... that's right. I bought a Property of Donnie shirt and a Face Time shirt. The concert was great. We were something like 12th row, so we had a great view when the girls in front of us weren't standing on their chairs. And remember how I told you earlier that we made a really bad version of Joey's porkpie hat? Well, there's more to that part of the story. I found this cheap costume hat that sort of resembled his topless hat from back in the 80s, and I cut the top of it off. We were almost ready to leave Mel's house to go to the concert when we got the idea to write "Let's Get This" on it with some glitter glue. We thought that since we were going to be so close to the stage, that we could throw it up onto the stage when Joe started doing his Let's Get This speech. He always grabbed one of the fan's Let's Get This signs to hold up during his speech, so how cool would it have been if he had a fan-made replica of his old hat with Let's Get This written on it to hold up during his speech? Way cool. At least for us because it was ours. lol We knew when the speech was coming up, so I started to make my way a little closer to the stage, but security wouldn't let me any closer, and I was still just a little too far away to toss it up there myself. Another fan saw what I was trying to do, and offered to toss it up there for me. I gave it to her, and she tossed it, but it didn't quite make it to the stage. I found this video on youtube though, where you can see the hat being tossed, and Joe sees it, and says, "Oh! Almost." So at least he saw it. It's shortly after the 1:30 mark in the video.

We went to Denny's afterward hoping Donnie might show up, then we went back to Mel's, and again I stayed up all night long even though I had to drive back to Nebraska to catch my flight. Iowa was a BLAST.

State #3: New York
The summer tour was announced, and I was DYING to go to the Jones Beach concert in New York. They mention it in their song "Summertime" and I just knew it was going to be a special concert. And to top it all off... not only was I flying to New York for this concert, but I had 5* tickets to boot. I get to New York pretty late, probably around 10:30 pm or so, and after I got my luggage, and my rental car, and after I drove forever looking for the damn hotel I was staying at near JFK, I finally get a few hours of sleep. I got up nice and early so I could go to Manhattan. I took a cab from the airport, and damn I'm glad I did that. I think I might have died if I had tried driving through Manhattan on my own. LOL First stop: Statue of Liberty. It was so cool to see it in person. I spent most of the morning there.

I get back to the mainland, and walk around Battery Park for a little while before deciding to head back to the hotel. Don't wanna be late for the M&G! Took the subway all the way back, and I had just enough time to brush my hair, put on some deodorant, brush my teeth, and head out for the concert. The traffic on the LI E highway sucks big ass, just to let you know. Worse than Chicago rush hour traffic. It took so long to get to my exit, I thought for sure I wouldn't make it there on time. Luckily though, once I hit my exit, there was practically NO traffic at all. So the rest of the ride was smooth sailing.

I get to Jones Beach Theater right on time and meet up with my 5* group. Great bunch of girls! And it wasn't much longer after that, that they started to check us in for the 5* party before the meet & greet. Awesome! Food! I was so hungry because I hadn't eaten ANYTHING all day long because I had been too busy sightseeing. I brought this hat with me that I had made, and I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to wear it or not. It was a very cheaply made version of Joey's black hat with with a hole in the top that I wrote on with glitter glue, just like the one I had made in Iowa, only slightly better. I wrote Let's Get This around the top part, and on the top of the brim, I wrote 5 Brothers and a Million Sisters. I finally decided to wear it into the M&G. And man I'm glad I did. After the M&G I actually felt kind of bad for the other Joey girls in the group because Joey pretty much ignored them the whole time. You have about a minute and a half to talk to the guys, then they do pictures, then you leave. I had everything I was going to say all planned out.

I walk behind the tent with the rest of my group, quickly look around for Joey, he sees me, says hi, and holds his arms out for a hug. I run up to him and hug him like we were friends that hadn't seen each other in a long time. He lets go and says, "I like your hat," and he took it off my head so he could look at it. And I start talking. I said, "I had one just like it in Iowa..." And I was going to tell him all about how someone tried to throw it up on stage for his Let's Get This speech, and I know he saw it because he said "Oh! Almost," and I wanted to see if he remembered it at all... but none of that came out of my mouth. Why? Because after he looked at it, he said, "You should wear it more like this though." Then he put it on my head and spent the whole time before they took the pictures positioning it on my head just the way he wanted it, with his face about 3 inches away from mine. They called for pictures, and I was standing on his left. He put his arm around my shoulders, and I put my arm around his waist. One of the other Joe girls was standing on his other side. Click! Picture 1 done. They're about to take the second one, and Joe says to wait a minute. He switches out who's standing on his right because he wanted the other Joe girl to have a chance to stand next him, and then Click! Picture 2 done. So he spent the whole M&G with me and my stupid hat, and then I got to stand there with my arm around his waist for both pictures. Dream come true. :)

But then... CRAP! The ILAA people were telling us to leave, and I hadn't hugged any of the other guys! So I go over by Jordan and give him a hug, then I go to give Donnie a hug, and before he hugs me, he looks at me, smiles, and says, "Twittah." That would've been the perfect time to ask him to follow me on twitter, but I'm a dork and I didn't think of it at the time. Oh well. So I hug Donnie and then the ILAA people really are trying to get us to leave, so I leave. For the concert, I was in the 10th row. Concert was amazing, as always. And at the end of the concert, the guys all got in a boat and went out in the water. Donnie and Jon actually jumped off the boat, and Donnie being Donnie walked across the stage in his soaking wet boxers. Fun times. :)

State #4: Illinois
There's a fairly large group of us that had sort of gotten to know each other through the website newkidsnetwork.ning.com. After a while, we all said how cool it would be if we could all go to a concert together. The closer the Chicago concert got, the more it looked like we would all be able to go to that one. Now... how to get tickets so we're all sitting together? DawnL to the rescue! She bought all the tickets, and we all just gave her the money for them. We were finally all going to meet each other! Mel, Shannon, and I found each other and went to Dick's Sporting Goods to meet Jason and ask him how the guys were holding up, since it was the day after the world found out that Michael Jackson had passed away. He said they were doing good and we got a picture taken with him.

After trying to figure out where everyone else was for a while, we eventually met up with the rest of the gang in the parking lot. After waiting for forever in the neverending line to get into the venue, and singing Truck and Fish a time or two, we finally found our seats, which weren't all that far away from the stage! Go DawnL! :) They were showing pictures on the big screen that people were texting in to them, so since Tracy couldn't be there with us, we sent her picture in, and got a picture of it when it showed up on the big screen.

I called her during Please Don't Go Girl and 5 Brothers and a Million Sisters so she could sort of be at the concert with us. We missed you Tracy! After a little while, the Jabbawockeez come on stage, and Mel starts beating the crap out of my arm. lol I look at where she's pointing, and holy shit. Right there, 2 rows in front of us, was Barrett McIntyre, sitting there watching the Jabbas with Griffin.

I had a blast hanging out with everyone, and I really hope we get to do it again soon! We always have such a great time when we get together. I don't really remember too many details of that concert, but it was awesome just being there with our whole big group of friends.

And last but not least... State #5: Texas
The Houston concert. I was finally going to go to a NKOTB concert with my big sister. And it was their last concert of the year. It was so cool being there with my sister.

We were right in front of where Donnie was when the guys go out into the audience, so she got to touch Donnie's hand.

There was a point in the concert, I think it was after I'll Be Loving You Forever, that the applause just seemed to go on forever. The guys were up on stage crying, and almost everyone in the audience was crying too. So many good times coming to an end. Not forever this time, but still. It was sad to see them go, even if it was only going to be for a few months. Mel was at this one too, and I saw her from across the venue. After the concert, my sister and I went to the after party for a little while, but it was a nightmare. So many people you couldn't move an inch, people spilling beer on you.... not cool at all. So we left and drove back to her house.

I'm just in awe that any of this happened at all. For the 15 years after they split up, I had accepted that they would never get back together again, and when no one else was home I'd listen to Please Don't Go Girl. I'm so lucky to have experienced something I thought was an impossibility, and to have had the opportunity to revisit my childhood. I've had so many amazing times over the last year, and I've made so many new friends thanks to these 5 guys. Thanks for getting back together NKOTB. It's been fun.

Iowa? Seriously?

Ok, I think I've officially lost my marbles. I am flying to Iowa to go to a NKOTB concert. In the words of Joey... "I mean what? What? What are you talking about? That's so cool that I want to do that." It just sounds absurd to me that I would fly to freakin' Iowa just to go to a concert. But I'm so freakin excited about it that I don't even care how strange it sounds. I've never done anything as spontaneous as this. And it was pretty spontaneous. LMAO Mel calls me up at 8pm and says "Hey, I can get you a ticket if you wanna come!" So, I had approximately 12 hours to email Nick, get a response, and plan a trip halfway across the freakin' country to go see NKOTB. And everything worked out. And I'm flying to Iowa. Wow. I can't freakin' wait.