I'm not feeling very festive this New Year's Eve. Nick is out to sea and won't be home for a few more months, so it's just the kids and me this year.
All I really have to say this year is that there are many paths up a mountain. Some are paved, some are rocky, and most of them have some twists and turns. Not everyone can, or wants to, take the same path that everyone else is taking. Not everyone even wants to climb the mountain. Some people just want to stand at the bottom and gaze up at it, enjoying its beauty before they move on to their next adventure in life. Maybe I prefer the weeping willows that are on my path, as opposed to the evergreens that are on yours. Does that mean that my path isn't as beautiful as yours? To you, it might mean that, if you prefer evergreens. I think all the paths are beautiful, but I happen to prefer the one I'm on. That does not mean I'm on the wrong path, just a different one. And just because I'm on the path with the weeping willows doesn't mean that everyone else loses their right to choose their own path. I'm sure there's someone out there who prefers the path adorned with Charlie Brown Christmas trees. That path is fine too. By not accepting the fact that there is more than just your own path, you will alienate every single person that happens to be on one of those other paths. Maybe that's already happened.
You can take whichever path up the mountain suits you best, but if you steal my GPS and try to reroute me, all that's going to do is piss me off, and I'll just end up throwing the damn thing out and figuring it out for myself. Continue on your path. I have no problem with your path, because it's the right one for you. But do not treat others' paths as if they don't exist, or as if they are inferior. No one's paths are inferior to anyone else's. They're all beautiful in their own way, and they all deserve a caring, loving hand to help them grow and flourish. Don't let my weeping willows wither and die because you're too arrogant to admit they exist. Love the path you're on, but acknowledge that other paths that help people become better versions of themselves, even though they're different from your own path, are still beautiful. That's all. Just love people, regardless of what path they're on, and don't bully them because they chose differently than you.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Too quiet
My life is always so busy. When Nick is home, I have to work around his schedule, which changes constantly. I never know what time he's going to be home from work, sometimes they have to go underway without much notice because of a storm, they're always changing how many duty sections there are, and which one he's in.... the list goes on. The Navy is unpredictable, and it's just a part of the military way of life. Then there's the kids' schedules. The events that are going on at school, PTA meetings, parent teacher conferences, etc. Then there's my schedule right now. I'm in school, and I don't get home until a few minutes before the kids get home. Then it's homework for them, then dinner, then showers, then bedtime for them, then homework for me.
Because of all the craziness that is my life, I hardly ever have the tv on. Nick has it on all the time when he's home, and it doesn't bother me because I can just tune it out with my magical powers of selective hearing that I got when I became a mother. But when he's not here, the only time I ever have it on is if there is a specific show on at that moment that I'm going to watch.
Most of the time, I enjoy the quiet. It helps me calm down and relax after a busy day. It's peaceful. But every once in a while, it just seems a little too quiet. Like something's missing. In those moments, I know that even if I turn the tv on to have some background noise, it's still going to be too quiet because the sound of the tv isn't what's missing.
It's the sound of having that extra person in the house. It's the sound of Nick playing games with the kids, or showing me some stupid thing he found on the internet on his phone.
But today, it's the sound of my brother's voice. He'd start making fun of one of us, and he would get so loud and not even realize how loud he was. It's the sound of the basketball that I'd hear him dribbling when I'd go over to his house. It's the sound of his favorite cds that he'd play all the time... Mr. Big, Hootie and the Blowfish, Boyz II Men.
It's the sound of happiness that would emanate from my parents' house when we all got together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.
Those are the sounds that are missing. We're still happy sometimes, but never quite as happy as we were back then. We still laugh, but never quite as hard. It's been 13 years, and today, his birthday, is still so hard. I want to call him and wish him a happy birthday, tell him funny stories about the kids, and hear him make fun of me for something. I want him to tell me about the newest pair of ugly-ass Air Jordans that he just couldn't resist buying. I want him to be friends with me on facebook and write stupid crap on my wall.
I just miss him.
Because of all the craziness that is my life, I hardly ever have the tv on. Nick has it on all the time when he's home, and it doesn't bother me because I can just tune it out with my magical powers of selective hearing that I got when I became a mother. But when he's not here, the only time I ever have it on is if there is a specific show on at that moment that I'm going to watch.
Most of the time, I enjoy the quiet. It helps me calm down and relax after a busy day. It's peaceful. But every once in a while, it just seems a little too quiet. Like something's missing. In those moments, I know that even if I turn the tv on to have some background noise, it's still going to be too quiet because the sound of the tv isn't what's missing.
It's the sound of having that extra person in the house. It's the sound of Nick playing games with the kids, or showing me some stupid thing he found on the internet on his phone.
But today, it's the sound of my brother's voice. He'd start making fun of one of us, and he would get so loud and not even realize how loud he was. It's the sound of the basketball that I'd hear him dribbling when I'd go over to his house. It's the sound of his favorite cds that he'd play all the time... Mr. Big, Hootie and the Blowfish, Boyz II Men.
It's the sound of happiness that would emanate from my parents' house when we all got together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.
Those are the sounds that are missing. We're still happy sometimes, but never quite as happy as we were back then. We still laugh, but never quite as hard. It's been 13 years, and today, his birthday, is still so hard. I want to call him and wish him a happy birthday, tell him funny stories about the kids, and hear him make fun of me for something. I want him to tell me about the newest pair of ugly-ass Air Jordans that he just couldn't resist buying. I want him to be friends with me on facebook and write stupid crap on my wall.
I just miss him.
Monday, December 31, 2012
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!
2012 was a busy year for us. I finished up my algebra and chemistry classes, we packed up and moved across the country, Nick got flown out to the ship and I unpacked a house full of stuff by myself. We've made some new friends out here in BFE, Virginia, and the kids are getting used to their new school. It was rough at first, but things are settling down. (Go knock on some wood for me. I don't want to jinx it.) This year flew by so fast I can't even believe it. Every year seems to go faster and faster.
Abby's going to be 9 in a couple weeks, and in a few months, I'll be 30. I feel like I skipped a few years or something to get here because there's no way I graduated high school more than a decade ago. It's been almost 2 years since Tim passed away, which still sounds so weird to me. I think this New Year's Eve I'll finally break out the Harley Davidson glass and see if I can recreate what he tried showing me a couple years ago with the fizz. Adios and vaya con dios, Tim. Listening to that cd still brings a tear to my eye.
To all my friends and family, enjoy the time you have here on this planet because it is so short and it goes by so fast. Don't worry so much about what's going to happen next, because you'll miss out on everything that the people you love have to offer. Be happy, but don't take away others' happiness in the process. If you have to make other people miserable for you to be happy, then you are on the wrong path and I truly hope you will find your way again. Cherish your children, take lots of pictures (something I need to work on too), and do something crazy every once in a while. Get a tattoo, take a spontaneous road trip to the Grand Canyon, splurge on something for yourself. Be safe, be smart, and think of others before yourself. Stop thinking about your resolutions and get off your butt and accomplish some of the goals you have for yourself. Know that I love you all and wish you all love, peace, and happiness.
Happy New Year.
Abby's going to be 9 in a couple weeks, and in a few months, I'll be 30. I feel like I skipped a few years or something to get here because there's no way I graduated high school more than a decade ago. It's been almost 2 years since Tim passed away, which still sounds so weird to me. I think this New Year's Eve I'll finally break out the Harley Davidson glass and see if I can recreate what he tried showing me a couple years ago with the fizz. Adios and vaya con dios, Tim. Listening to that cd still brings a tear to my eye.
To all my friends and family, enjoy the time you have here on this planet because it is so short and it goes by so fast. Don't worry so much about what's going to happen next, because you'll miss out on everything that the people you love have to offer. Be happy, but don't take away others' happiness in the process. If you have to make other people miserable for you to be happy, then you are on the wrong path and I truly hope you will find your way again. Cherish your children, take lots of pictures (something I need to work on too), and do something crazy every once in a while. Get a tattoo, take a spontaneous road trip to the Grand Canyon, splurge on something for yourself. Be safe, be smart, and think of others before yourself. Stop thinking about your resolutions and get off your butt and accomplish some of the goals you have for yourself. Know that I love you all and wish you all love, peace, and happiness.
Happy New Year.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
What's more interesting than the bible? The parts that got taken out!
I don't believe in the bible. I do not believe it is the word of God. I do not believe that Jesus is my savior, or that the only way to have a decent afterlife is to believe that he died for my sins. However, I do believe that the bible is a very interesting book. It is not a history book, but it is a part of history. It was the first book to be mass distributed, and it still is a mystery to many people.
What truly fascinates me the most about the bible, though, is not the KJV that can be bought in any bookstore. It's the books that were taken out.
Like the Book of Enoch, for example. Why was this book taken out? In the book I just got for Christmas, Banned from the Bible: Books Banned, Rejected, and Forbidden, there's an introduction to the Book of Enoch that says, "It is hard to avoid the evidence that Jesus not only studied the book, but also respected it highly enough to allude to its doctrine and content."
So, what you're telling me is that the book was good enough for your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, but it's not good enough for modern-day Christians to put in their bibles?? What kind of sense does that make?!? That makes me want to read these banned books even more because it makes them more interesting.
The introduction also talks about.... wait for it..... MISTRANSLATIONS! You know, those things I keep going on and on about? People keep saying that the bible is the inerrant word of God, even though MEN, not GOD took out all these books, then translated the ones that were left (and would become the bible that so many people have right now in their living rooms) over and over and over again. Some of the things were mistranslated on purpose. The mistranslation that my book talks about is in Luke. The book says, "Other evidence of the early Christians' acceptance of the Book of Enoch was for many years buried under the King James Bible's mistranslation of Luke 9:35, describing the transfiguration of Christ: 'And there came a voice out of the cloud, saying, "This is my beloved Son. Hear him."' Apparently the translator here wished to make this verse agree with a similar verse in Matthew and Mark. But Luke's verse in the original Greek reads: This is my Son, the Elect One (from the Greek ho eklelegmenos, lit., This is mine, the elect one. Hear him.)"
So, you mean that the King James Version of the bible is really just the version that was changed to match the beliefs they already had at the time, rather than an actual, accurate, direct translation the way "God" intended everyone to read it? YEP! The King James Version of the bible is the version he liked the best. They changed things on purpose, they took books out (even the books that Jesus himself approved of!!!!!), and they altered it so much that no one in their right mind could possibly say that it is the INERRANT word of GOD. It's full of errors! That is a FACT. It's not my opinion, and it's not something I'm making up to piss people off. It is a verifiable FACT.
No amount of BELIEF can make these things wrong. That's why they're called facts. You can believe all you want that grass is purple. You can sing, "THE GRASS IS PURPLE" from every rooftop in the world, and write it down in books and even have a following of millions of other people that are convinced that grass is purple. But the FACT still remains that grass is green, and nothing you believe will change that fact.
The same goes for the bible. You can believe all you want that it's the inerrant word of God, but that will never change the fact that it's not.
It was written, and edited by MEN. It was written by men to give people inspiration and hope, and to help other people be good people, but it is not perfect. It has helped people, it has saved people, but does it read exactly the way it did when it was first written? Nope.
I'm very much looking forward to reading the banned books to see what exactly could be good enough for Jesus himself, but not good enough for the people who believe he is their savior.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The history of the Christmas tree
http://www.history.com/topics/history-of-christmas-trees
Long before the advent of Christianity, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people in the winter. Just as people today decorate their homes during the festive season with pine, spruce, and fir trees, ancient peoples hung evergreen boughs over their doors and windows. In many countries it was believed that evergreens would keep away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness.
In the Northern hemisphere, the shortest day and longest night of the year falls on December 21 or December 22 and is called the winter solstice. Many ancient people believed that the sun was a god and that winter came every year because the sun god had become sick and weak. They celebrated the solstice because it meant that at last the sun god would begin to get well. Evergreen boughs reminded them of all the green plants that would grow again when the sun god was strong and summer would return.
The ancient Egyptians worshipped a god called Ra, who had the head of a hawk and wore the sun as a blazing disk in his crown. At the solstice, when Ra began to recover from the illness, the Egyptians filled their homes with green palm rushes which symbolized for them the triumph of life over death.
Early Romans marked the solstice with a feast called the Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. The Romans knew that the solstice meant that soon farms and orchards would be green and fruitful. To mark the occasion, they decorated their homes and temples with evergreen boughs. In Northern Europe the mysterious Druids, the priests of the ancient Celts, also decorated their temples with evergreen boughs as a symbol of everlasting life. The fierce Vikings in Scandinavia thought that evergreens were the special plant of the sun god, Balder.
Germany is credited with starting the Christmas tree tradition as we now know it in the 16th century when devout Christians brought decorated trees into their homes. Some built Christmas pyramids of wood and decorated them with evergreens and candles if wood was scarce. It is a widely held belief that Martin Luther, the 16th century Protestant reformer, first added lighted candles to a tree. Walking toward his home one winter evening, composing a sermon, he was awed by the brilliance of stars twinkling amidst evergreens. to recapture the scene for his family, he erected a tree in the main room and wired its branches with lighted candles.
Most 19th century Americans found Christmas trees an oddity. The first record of one being on display was in the 1830s by the German settlers of Pennsylvania, although trees had been a tradition in many German homes much earlier. The Pennsylvania German settlements had community trees as early as 1747. But, as late as the 1840s, Christmas trees were seen as pagan symbols and not accepted by most Americans.
It is not surprising that, like many other festive Christmas customs, the tree was adopted so late in America. To the New England Puritans, Christmas was sacred. The pilgrims' second governor, William Bradford, wrote that he tried hard to stamp out "pagan mockery" of the observance, penalizing any frivolity. The influential Oliver Cromwell preached against "the heathen traditions" of Christmas carols, decorated trees, and any joyful expression that desecrated "that sacred event." In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts enacted a law making any observance of December 25 (other than a church service) a penal offense; people were fined for hanging decorations. That stern solemnity continued until the 19th century, when the influx of German and Irish immigrants undermined the Puritan legacy.
In 1846, the popular royals, Queen Victoria and her German Prince, Albert, were sketched in the illustrated London News standing with their children around a Christmas tree. Unlike the previous royal family, Victoria was very popular with her subjects, and what was done at court immediately became fashionable - not only in Britain, but with fashion-conscious East Coast American Society. The Christmas tree had arrived.
By the 1890s Christmas ornaments were arriving from Germany and Christmas tree popularity was on the rise around the U.S. It was noted that Europeans used small trees, about 4 feet in height, while Americans liked their Christmas trees to reach from floor to ceiling.
The early 20th century saw Americans decorating their trees mainly with homemade ornaments, while the German-American sect continued to use apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies. Popcorn joined in after being dyed bright colors and interlaced with berries and nuts. Electricity brought about Christmas lights, making it possible for Christmas trees to glow for days on end. With this, Christmas trees began to appear in town squares across the country and having a Christmas tree in the home became an American tradition.
Long before the advent of Christianity, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people in the winter. Just as people today decorate their homes during the festive season with pine, spruce, and fir trees, ancient peoples hung evergreen boughs over their doors and windows. In many countries it was believed that evergreens would keep away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness.
In the Northern hemisphere, the shortest day and longest night of the year falls on December 21 or December 22 and is called the winter solstice. Many ancient people believed that the sun was a god and that winter came every year because the sun god had become sick and weak. They celebrated the solstice because it meant that at last the sun god would begin to get well. Evergreen boughs reminded them of all the green plants that would grow again when the sun god was strong and summer would return.
The ancient Egyptians worshipped a god called Ra, who had the head of a hawk and wore the sun as a blazing disk in his crown. At the solstice, when Ra began to recover from the illness, the Egyptians filled their homes with green palm rushes which symbolized for them the triumph of life over death.
Early Romans marked the solstice with a feast called the Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. The Romans knew that the solstice meant that soon farms and orchards would be green and fruitful. To mark the occasion, they decorated their homes and temples with evergreen boughs. In Northern Europe the mysterious Druids, the priests of the ancient Celts, also decorated their temples with evergreen boughs as a symbol of everlasting life. The fierce Vikings in Scandinavia thought that evergreens were the special plant of the sun god, Balder.
Germany is credited with starting the Christmas tree tradition as we now know it in the 16th century when devout Christians brought decorated trees into their homes. Some built Christmas pyramids of wood and decorated them with evergreens and candles if wood was scarce. It is a widely held belief that Martin Luther, the 16th century Protestant reformer, first added lighted candles to a tree. Walking toward his home one winter evening, composing a sermon, he was awed by the brilliance of stars twinkling amidst evergreens. to recapture the scene for his family, he erected a tree in the main room and wired its branches with lighted candles.
Most 19th century Americans found Christmas trees an oddity. The first record of one being on display was in the 1830s by the German settlers of Pennsylvania, although trees had been a tradition in many German homes much earlier. The Pennsylvania German settlements had community trees as early as 1747. But, as late as the 1840s, Christmas trees were seen as pagan symbols and not accepted by most Americans.
It is not surprising that, like many other festive Christmas customs, the tree was adopted so late in America. To the New England Puritans, Christmas was sacred. The pilgrims' second governor, William Bradford, wrote that he tried hard to stamp out "pagan mockery" of the observance, penalizing any frivolity. The influential Oliver Cromwell preached against "the heathen traditions" of Christmas carols, decorated trees, and any joyful expression that desecrated "that sacred event." In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts enacted a law making any observance of December 25 (other than a church service) a penal offense; people were fined for hanging decorations. That stern solemnity continued until the 19th century, when the influx of German and Irish immigrants undermined the Puritan legacy.
In 1846, the popular royals, Queen Victoria and her German Prince, Albert, were sketched in the illustrated London News standing with their children around a Christmas tree. Unlike the previous royal family, Victoria was very popular with her subjects, and what was done at court immediately became fashionable - not only in Britain, but with fashion-conscious East Coast American Society. The Christmas tree had arrived.
By the 1890s Christmas ornaments were arriving from Germany and Christmas tree popularity was on the rise around the U.S. It was noted that Europeans used small trees, about 4 feet in height, while Americans liked their Christmas trees to reach from floor to ceiling.
The early 20th century saw Americans decorating their trees mainly with homemade ornaments, while the German-American sect continued to use apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies. Popcorn joined in after being dyed bright colors and interlaced with berries and nuts. Electricity brought about Christmas lights, making it possible for Christmas trees to glow for days on end. With this, Christmas trees began to appear in town squares across the country and having a Christmas tree in the home became an American tradition.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
12 years
Dear Joe,
Twelve years. Wow. There are some days where it doesn't seem like it's been that long, and other days it seems like it's been longer. Today is kind of both at the same time. Nothing's been the same since you left. We've all laughed and had good times, but it always seems like it could be just a little bit better, or a little bit happier. I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. This year is pretty bad because I'm alone. Nick's out to sea, and I don't have friends that live right next door that'll come over and drag me out of the house to distract me. I'm just home alone, with my thoughts. Just know that I will always, always love you and miss you and wish you were still here.
Love,
me
Twelve years. Wow. There are some days where it doesn't seem like it's been that long, and other days it seems like it's been longer. Today is kind of both at the same time. Nothing's been the same since you left. We've all laughed and had good times, but it always seems like it could be just a little bit better, or a little bit happier. I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. This year is pretty bad because I'm alone. Nick's out to sea, and I don't have friends that live right next door that'll come over and drag me out of the house to distract me. I'm just home alone, with my thoughts. Just know that I will always, always love you and miss you and wish you were still here.
Love,
me
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The Oath
"I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice." --Oath of Enlistment for the Armed Forces of the United States of America
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
It is not the government's job to care what religion you are. It's the government's job to NOT care what religion you are. If the government started allowing all citizens who happen to be one particular religion to opt out of paying some fee based on the religion they claim to be, then they would have to do that for every religion in existence, and the result would be that no one in the country would pay any kind of taxes or fees or anything else and our country would go down the tubes.
Forcing religion on the whole country is against the Constitution. Plain and simple. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If something is against your religion, DON'T DO IT. Just because something is against YOUR religion does not mean it is against EVERYONE'S religion. If my life is in danger because of a pregnancy, but I'm not allowed to get an abortion to save my own life because of something the bible says, THAT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL. PERIOD.
Our country does not have a national religion. That was the whole point when our country was founded. Yes, some of our founding fathers were Christian, but not all of them were. The great thing about our founding fathers is that even though they weren't all the same religion, they all had the same dream for our country: freedom from religious persecution. They all wanted to be able to worship whatever deity they wanted to worship in peace, without anyone else telling them how to do it. Forcing Christianity on the whole country goes against EVERYTHING our founding fathers wanted for our country. They came here to escape things like that.
When I joined the Navy in 2001, I vowed to support and defend the Constitution. So did Nick. You can say all the stupid shit you want, and we will support to the death your right to say it, but that does not mean you're right. The Constitution is what is right. Trying to force the bible and Christianity on everyone is WRONG.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Day 1
Today was our first full day without Nick here at home with us. The ship he's assigned to has been on deployment since March, and he had to go meet the ship in port somewhere. (I'd say where, but I'm not allowed to.)
I know I've been through all this before, but this time is different. The last time Nick was on a ship, it had just gotten back from deployment, so he was home for a few months before he had to go out to sea. Or he'd go out for a week or two and then be home again for a while. There was a transition period.
We got to Virginia July 23rd. Two weeks and a day later, I'm forced to say goodbye to him for 3 months. We haven't even been in our house for a week, and we don't even have our furniture yet. It's being delivered on Friday. When Nick comes home, he's not even going to recognize his own house. All of that makes this time so much harder. I got dropped off in a strange house in a neighborhood where I don't know my way around, and now I'm completely on my own. I feel so lost. It all happened so fast. I know I should be able to handle this because I was in the Navy myself, and I've been a Navy wife for 9 years, but this shit never gets any easier. You get used to how much it sucks, but it doesn't get easier.
I was ok most of the day because I had some running around to do. I had to take the kids to their school so they could read for one of the teachers. That way, the school knows which class to put them in, and what kind of reading they should be assigned. They both did really well! David (going into 2nd grade) is reading at a 4th grade level, and Abby (going into 3rd grade) is reading at a 4th/5th grade level! After that, I had to go to the school admin building a few miles away and verify our address, and then I had to go pick up our mailbox key from the post office. We headed home after that, and waited for the cable guy to show up. He never did, and is going to have to come another day because they got too busy and didn't have time to get to me. Oh well.
But after all that, I was sitting here and realized that I hadn't really talked to anyone all day. I mean, I talked to the teachers about how well the kids read to her, and I talked to the kids, but you can only talk to people under the age of 10 for so long before you start craving some adult conversation. That's when I really started feeling down today. I was fighting back some tears when I got a phone call from a good friend. So that helped make me feel a little less lonely.
The hardest part of the day is at night. It's past the time that any normal human being would call to talk, the kids are asleep, and I'm laying there alone, tossing and turning because I've gotten used to sleeping next to someone and now he's not there. And then I just feel so empty and alone.
And then I sit here and think about it, and realize that all the other spouses of everyone else on the ship must think I'm ridiculous. Their sailors have been on deployment since March. They've already had a halfway party and are starting to get excited that the deployment is almost over, and here I am crying because I'm not going to see my husband for 3 months. I know, I know... suck it up buttercup. And I will. In a few days. It'll be easier once we have furniture and all of our stuff and I have something to do around the house other than play facebook games.
So that's how Day 1 has been. Not great, but it could've been worse.
I know I've been through all this before, but this time is different. The last time Nick was on a ship, it had just gotten back from deployment, so he was home for a few months before he had to go out to sea. Or he'd go out for a week or two and then be home again for a while. There was a transition period.
We got to Virginia July 23rd. Two weeks and a day later, I'm forced to say goodbye to him for 3 months. We haven't even been in our house for a week, and we don't even have our furniture yet. It's being delivered on Friday. When Nick comes home, he's not even going to recognize his own house. All of that makes this time so much harder. I got dropped off in a strange house in a neighborhood where I don't know my way around, and now I'm completely on my own. I feel so lost. It all happened so fast. I know I should be able to handle this because I was in the Navy myself, and I've been a Navy wife for 9 years, but this shit never gets any easier. You get used to how much it sucks, but it doesn't get easier.
I was ok most of the day because I had some running around to do. I had to take the kids to their school so they could read for one of the teachers. That way, the school knows which class to put them in, and what kind of reading they should be assigned. They both did really well! David (going into 2nd grade) is reading at a 4th grade level, and Abby (going into 3rd grade) is reading at a 4th/5th grade level! After that, I had to go to the school admin building a few miles away and verify our address, and then I had to go pick up our mailbox key from the post office. We headed home after that, and waited for the cable guy to show up. He never did, and is going to have to come another day because they got too busy and didn't have time to get to me. Oh well.
But after all that, I was sitting here and realized that I hadn't really talked to anyone all day. I mean, I talked to the teachers about how well the kids read to her, and I talked to the kids, but you can only talk to people under the age of 10 for so long before you start craving some adult conversation. That's when I really started feeling down today. I was fighting back some tears when I got a phone call from a good friend. So that helped make me feel a little less lonely.
The hardest part of the day is at night. It's past the time that any normal human being would call to talk, the kids are asleep, and I'm laying there alone, tossing and turning because I've gotten used to sleeping next to someone and now he's not there. And then I just feel so empty and alone.
And then I sit here and think about it, and realize that all the other spouses of everyone else on the ship must think I'm ridiculous. Their sailors have been on deployment since March. They've already had a halfway party and are starting to get excited that the deployment is almost over, and here I am crying because I'm not going to see my husband for 3 months. I know, I know... suck it up buttercup. And I will. In a few days. It'll be easier once we have furniture and all of our stuff and I have something to do around the house other than play facebook games.
So that's how Day 1 has been. Not great, but it could've been worse.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
THIS! EVERYONE DO THIS!
There's a blog I love, and Jenny, the woman who writes it, posted a link to a particular post on twitter today:
http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/
"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it."
This next part is going to seem like a non-sequitur but it's not.
I love music. I always have. I believe that for every mood you're in, and for every situation you happen to find yourself in, there is a song that you can listen to, and it will make you feel better in some way. Whether that song cheers you up, or makes you cry or just lets you know that you are not the only person to be going through the situation that you're going through otherwise there wouldn't be a song about it, it will help you and make you feel just a little bit better, if only for a moment. And sometimes that's all we need, is to feel better just for a moment. And that is why I LOVE music so much. It's my outlet. When I'm pissed off, I listen to "My Life" by Billy Joel, or more recently, "Break" by Limp Bizkit. When I'm in a really good mood, I'll listen to "Our Song" by Taylor Swift or Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." When I need to cry, I listen to Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" because it reminds me of my brother, who died my senior year of high school. Listening to these songs is like listening to a part of my soul that I wouldn't know how to express otherwise.
I was born in 1983. So I was only 5 years old when New Kids On The Block came out with their most popular album, Hangin' Tough. Joey was my favorite (still is, actually), and he's the one that sang my favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Being only 5 years old, Please Don't Go Girl, as far as I can remember, was my first favorite real song. "Real" meaning it wasn't a nursery rhyme like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Mary Had a Little Lamb. It's the first song I remember wanting to listen to on repeat. I loved NKOTB, and so did my sister, who is older than me by 8 1/2 years. It's the only thing we had in common when I was little. And because she is so much older than me, she got to go to a couple concerts and I didn't. I was insanely jealous. I never did get to go to a concert because I was just too young. And then they split up. I accepted that I would never get to go to a NKOTB concert, and I found other music to love.
Then New Kids On The Block got back together in 2008 and did a reunion tour around the country. My husband, my 2 children, and I were living in Washington State at the time because my husband is in the Navy, so I started searching the internet for tickets to the November concert in Tacoma. I found 2nd row seats for a pretty reasonable price. Holy crap! Not only was I going to finally have my chance to go to a NKOTB concert, I was going to be in the 2nd row! When the guys came out on stage and Joey McIntyre, the first-ever-love-of-my-life, started singing the first line of "Single", my inner 5 year old started bouncing off the walls. And then he did it. He sang Please Don't Go Girl right in front of me. I was speechless. That was one of the best moments of my life.
http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/
"I want, just once, to wear a bright red, strapless ball gown with no apologies. I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be. And the more I thought about it the more I realized how often we deny ourselves that red dress and all the other capricious, ridiculous, overindulgent and silly things that we desperately want but never let ourselves have because they are simply “not sensible”. Things like flying lessons, and ballet shoes, and breaking into spontaneous song, and building a train set, and crawling onto the roof just to see the stars better. Things like cartwheels and learning how to box and painting encouraging words on your body to remind yourself that you’re worth it."
This next part is going to seem like a non-sequitur but it's not.
I love music. I always have. I believe that for every mood you're in, and for every situation you happen to find yourself in, there is a song that you can listen to, and it will make you feel better in some way. Whether that song cheers you up, or makes you cry or just lets you know that you are not the only person to be going through the situation that you're going through otherwise there wouldn't be a song about it, it will help you and make you feel just a little bit better, if only for a moment. And sometimes that's all we need, is to feel better just for a moment. And that is why I LOVE music so much. It's my outlet. When I'm pissed off, I listen to "My Life" by Billy Joel, or more recently, "Break" by Limp Bizkit. When I'm in a really good mood, I'll listen to "Our Song" by Taylor Swift or Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." When I need to cry, I listen to Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today" because it reminds me of my brother, who died my senior year of high school. Listening to these songs is like listening to a part of my soul that I wouldn't know how to express otherwise.
I was born in 1983. So I was only 5 years old when New Kids On The Block came out with their most popular album, Hangin' Tough. Joey was my favorite (still is, actually), and he's the one that sang my favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Being only 5 years old, Please Don't Go Girl, as far as I can remember, was my first favorite real song. "Real" meaning it wasn't a nursery rhyme like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Mary Had a Little Lamb. It's the first song I remember wanting to listen to on repeat. I loved NKOTB, and so did my sister, who is older than me by 8 1/2 years. It's the only thing we had in common when I was little. And because she is so much older than me, she got to go to a couple concerts and I didn't. I was insanely jealous. I never did get to go to a concert because I was just too young. And then they split up. I accepted that I would never get to go to a NKOTB concert, and I found other music to love.
Then New Kids On The Block got back together in 2008 and did a reunion tour around the country. My husband, my 2 children, and I were living in Washington State at the time because my husband is in the Navy, so I started searching the internet for tickets to the November concert in Tacoma. I found 2nd row seats for a pretty reasonable price. Holy crap! Not only was I going to finally have my chance to go to a NKOTB concert, I was going to be in the 2nd row! When the guys came out on stage and Joey McIntyre, the first-ever-love-of-my-life, started singing the first line of "Single", my inner 5 year old started bouncing off the walls. And then he did it. He sang Please Don't Go Girl right in front of me. I was speechless. That was one of the best moments of my life.
Which is why I got a New Kids On The Block tattoo. I had gotten a musical tattoo before, just to have something that symbolized my love for music in general:
I love my musical heart, but it is just a picture that I found on the internet and edited slightly. I wanted something more personal. Lots of other New Kids fans were getting NK tattoos, and some of them were pretty cool. There were creepy ones too, like the girl who got all the New Kids' faces tattooed on her leg...
I didn't want something that was blatantly NKOTB related. I wanted mine to be more subtle, and I wanted it to be more personal. So I found the sheet music for my favorite NK song.
It goes about 2/3 of the way around my arm, and it's the music for the first two lines of Please Don't Go Girl. (Please don't go girl. You would ruin my whole world. Tell me you'll stay. Never ever go away.) Is it crazy? Yeah, a little. But who cares? This is my bright red strapless ball gown, and I wear it with no apologies. People look at it and think it's the coolest thing ever, and then laugh a little when I tell them it's a New Kids On The Block song, but I don't care. Everyone has a favorite band and a favorite song from when they were young, and this is mine. It's the start of my passion for music, and now it will be with me always.
And the best part? I got to show it to Joey. When NKOTB were touring with Backstreet Boys last year, they came to Chicago, and I splurged and got myself a meet & greet ticket. So before the concert, you get to meet the band and get your picture taken with them. I showed him my tattoo, and he said, "How far around does it go?" And he looked at the whole thing. Then he asked me which part of the song it was, so I told him it was the first two lines. So he followed the music on my arm with his finger while he hummed the song to me. It doesn't get much better than that.
So yeah, maybe it was a little overindulgent and silly for me to get a New Kids On The Block tattoo. But I think we all need a little silly in our lives. Who wants to be boring their whole life? Do something crazy every once in a while. Something other than cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing homework, and just being responsible in general. Because in the end, I'm not going to remember all those times I loaded the dishwasher, but I will remember that moment when Joey McIntyre hummed Please Don't Go Girl to me. And it was sooooo worth it.
So this year, while you're thinking of what your New Year's resolutions should be, make sure you throw something a little crazy in there too. You'll be glad you did.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Auld Lang Syne
Happy New Year everyone! This has been one hell of a year. Exciting, tragic, fun, and sad.
In January, I started my first college classes. I took Intermediate Algebra and General Chemistry I, and did better than I thought I'd do. I got an A in math and a B in chemistry. It's good to know that I can still be a good student after all these years. And I never would've been able to do it if I didn't have such great friends! My friend Samantha babysat the kids for me for the last 2 months of the semester because they changed Nick's schedule and we didn't have anyone else to watch them during the time that we'd both be gone. Thank you so much Samantha!
My brother Tim passed away in April. He wasn't my biological brother, but he was a part of our family for a decade. I remember last New Year's Eve, he was all excited about the Harley Davidson pilsner glass that I had gotten him for Christmas. When you poured a soda into it, the fizz covered up the picture on the glass, and as the fizz went away, it looked like the picture on the glass sort of magically appeared out of nowhere. He only got it to happen once, and he kept trying to get me to see it, but he couldn't make it happen again. This New Year's Eve, I have his glass. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it out of the package and drink from it yet, though.
In June, I turned 28 and officially became older than my older brother, Joe. That was a weird feeling, since Joe was 10 1/2 years older than me. Catching up to him in age was never supposed to be an option. As I say goodbye to 2011, it makes my heart ache that I can't celebrate the new year with either of my brothers. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what Joe would be like if he were still here, or what I'd be making fun of Tim for if he were still here. Love you both so much, and hopefully our souls will cross paths again someday. xoxo
This year wasn't only filled with sorrow though. I got a new tattoo of the notes to my first favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Then when I got to meet Joey McIntyre in June at the NKOTBSB concert that was my birthday present, he looked at it, followed the music and hummed it to me. My inner 6 year old died and went to heaven.
Nick and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. :) Love you Nick!
We made some new friends, Autumn and Tom! They moved in next door when Rick and Becky moved out. We've all shared a lot of laughs together..... hug coupons, stupid neighbors, rearranging houses, and ASS! :) LOL
I also got to take my mom to get her first tattoo for her birthday! I'm so glad I got to be there with her for that. Love you Mom!
I finished the summer by taking 2 more college classes, and getting an A in both English Composition I and World Religions.
And old friend and I have made amends, and it feels good to leave behind what was, and to let the wounds start to heal. With any luck, our acquaintanceship will turn back into the friendship that it used to be. As angry as I've been the last couple years, I still have missed the good times we had in Washington. If I didn't, then it wouldn't have bothered me so much when we stopped speaking. Here's to a better future, and a stronger friendship!
David had to start school with a bald spot because he literally pulled the hair out of his head. Weirdo. It's almost completely grown back in now, thank God. lol Abby started school with a couple less baby teeth, and David still has not even had 1 loose tooth.
I started my third semester of college the same day my kids went back to school. I took English Composition II, and College Algebra. I finished the semester with an A in English and a C in algebra. I could've done better in algebra, but I missed a lot of school due to some strange health issues I had going on. I missed about a week because I had the flu, and I missed another week or 2 just because of all the doctor's appointments that I had.
I found out that I have diverticulosis, which half of all people over the age of 60 have. Nice, right? I'm not even 30 yet! What the hell? So I had my first colonoscopy so they could check to see if I had anything else going on in there. Then my neck started to bother me. I went to the doctor, and he told me it was just an inflamed muscle. The neck pain never went away, but I had started school and it was enough of a distraction that I forgot about it until just a couple weeks ago. I went back to the doctor around the end of November, and they took some x-rays. Because they were x-raying the top of my spine, they got my skull in the film too and accidentally discovered that my sella turcica (the bone in your skull that holds your pituitary gland) is enlarged. So then I had an MRI and they found out that I have empty sella syndrome. Some cerebro-spinal fluid leaked in to that part of my brain, compressing my pituitary gland, and that is what caused that bone to be enlarged. Yikes! My neck is starting to feel much better though after some physical therapy and some good head & neck massages.
For Christmas this year, I got to see my sister and her family because they all drove up to spend the holiday with us. My nephews have all grown soooooo much and 2 of them are pretty dang close to being taller than me! Love you all so much!
Which brings me to today. Tomorrow is a new year. Nick doesn't have orders yet, so we have no idea if we'll be leaving in June, or if we'll have to extend because the Navy doesn't have the money to send him to another C school. If we have to extend, then I will truly be blessed to have more time to spend with my friends and family. If we move in June, then such is life as a Navy wife. We'll be on to our next adventure in another state. I'll miss everyone here in Illinois, but look forward to more college, and more new friends.
To all my friends and family... May the path you take be the one you're truly meant to be on. I hope it brings you happiness and good health. Don't hold grudges because life is too short. I don't care what "they" say, it's ok to have regrets, and to want to do better next time. It's called inspiration and motivation. Embrace life, try new things, be angry less often, laugh more often, and never ever forget to count your blessings. Look around you at all the wonderful things you have in your life so that when you are feeling down, you can remember those things, and hopefully they will bring you back to a better place.
Happy New Year!
In January, I started my first college classes. I took Intermediate Algebra and General Chemistry I, and did better than I thought I'd do. I got an A in math and a B in chemistry. It's good to know that I can still be a good student after all these years. And I never would've been able to do it if I didn't have such great friends! My friend Samantha babysat the kids for me for the last 2 months of the semester because they changed Nick's schedule and we didn't have anyone else to watch them during the time that we'd both be gone. Thank you so much Samantha!
My brother Tim passed away in April. He wasn't my biological brother, but he was a part of our family for a decade. I remember last New Year's Eve, he was all excited about the Harley Davidson pilsner glass that I had gotten him for Christmas. When you poured a soda into it, the fizz covered up the picture on the glass, and as the fizz went away, it looked like the picture on the glass sort of magically appeared out of nowhere. He only got it to happen once, and he kept trying to get me to see it, but he couldn't make it happen again. This New Year's Eve, I have his glass. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it out of the package and drink from it yet, though.
In June, I turned 28 and officially became older than my older brother, Joe. That was a weird feeling, since Joe was 10 1/2 years older than me. Catching up to him in age was never supposed to be an option. As I say goodbye to 2011, it makes my heart ache that I can't celebrate the new year with either of my brothers. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what Joe would be like if he were still here, or what I'd be making fun of Tim for if he were still here. Love you both so much, and hopefully our souls will cross paths again someday. xoxo
This year wasn't only filled with sorrow though. I got a new tattoo of the notes to my first favorite song, Please Don't Go Girl. Then when I got to meet Joey McIntyre in June at the NKOTBSB concert that was my birthday present, he looked at it, followed the music and hummed it to me. My inner 6 year old died and went to heaven.
Nick and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. :) Love you Nick!
We made some new friends, Autumn and Tom! They moved in next door when Rick and Becky moved out. We've all shared a lot of laughs together..... hug coupons, stupid neighbors, rearranging houses, and ASS! :) LOL
I also got to take my mom to get her first tattoo for her birthday! I'm so glad I got to be there with her for that. Love you Mom!
I finished the summer by taking 2 more college classes, and getting an A in both English Composition I and World Religions.
And old friend and I have made amends, and it feels good to leave behind what was, and to let the wounds start to heal. With any luck, our acquaintanceship will turn back into the friendship that it used to be. As angry as I've been the last couple years, I still have missed the good times we had in Washington. If I didn't, then it wouldn't have bothered me so much when we stopped speaking. Here's to a better future, and a stronger friendship!
David had to start school with a bald spot because he literally pulled the hair out of his head. Weirdo. It's almost completely grown back in now, thank God. lol Abby started school with a couple less baby teeth, and David still has not even had 1 loose tooth.
I started my third semester of college the same day my kids went back to school. I took English Composition II, and College Algebra. I finished the semester with an A in English and a C in algebra. I could've done better in algebra, but I missed a lot of school due to some strange health issues I had going on. I missed about a week because I had the flu, and I missed another week or 2 just because of all the doctor's appointments that I had.
I found out that I have diverticulosis, which half of all people over the age of 60 have. Nice, right? I'm not even 30 yet! What the hell? So I had my first colonoscopy so they could check to see if I had anything else going on in there. Then my neck started to bother me. I went to the doctor, and he told me it was just an inflamed muscle. The neck pain never went away, but I had started school and it was enough of a distraction that I forgot about it until just a couple weeks ago. I went back to the doctor around the end of November, and they took some x-rays. Because they were x-raying the top of my spine, they got my skull in the film too and accidentally discovered that my sella turcica (the bone in your skull that holds your pituitary gland) is enlarged. So then I had an MRI and they found out that I have empty sella syndrome. Some cerebro-spinal fluid leaked in to that part of my brain, compressing my pituitary gland, and that is what caused that bone to be enlarged. Yikes! My neck is starting to feel much better though after some physical therapy and some good head & neck massages.
For Christmas this year, I got to see my sister and her family because they all drove up to spend the holiday with us. My nephews have all grown soooooo much and 2 of them are pretty dang close to being taller than me! Love you all so much!
Which brings me to today. Tomorrow is a new year. Nick doesn't have orders yet, so we have no idea if we'll be leaving in June, or if we'll have to extend because the Navy doesn't have the money to send him to another C school. If we have to extend, then I will truly be blessed to have more time to spend with my friends and family. If we move in June, then such is life as a Navy wife. We'll be on to our next adventure in another state. I'll miss everyone here in Illinois, but look forward to more college, and more new friends.
To all my friends and family... May the path you take be the one you're truly meant to be on. I hope it brings you happiness and good health. Don't hold grudges because life is too short. I don't care what "they" say, it's ok to have regrets, and to want to do better next time. It's called inspiration and motivation. Embrace life, try new things, be angry less often, laugh more often, and never ever forget to count your blessings. Look around you at all the wonderful things you have in your life so that when you are feeling down, you can remember those things, and hopefully they will bring you back to a better place.
Happy New Year!
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